Monday January 1, 1979 Last night was my best day on FH. I was slightly drunk but had a very good time for about 4 hours. I asked Heidi to sleep with me. At first she said no because the day was very confusing for her. But we wrestled a lot and she changed her mind. The evening ended late but the most important thing I remember is that Otto said "ideals drive us crazy". And thinking of myself I know the compulsiveness of my own pursuit of ideals has more than once almost ruined me. I can imagine all sorts of ideals to adhere to but they all go against my natural urges. Monday January 8, 1979 I have just left analysis with Brooke and feel like the worst shit on FH. She says my authority problems prevent me from accepting anyone as my better and teacher. But she also tells me not to take it so seriously. That I should try to use my time better, get up earlier, schedule things for the day, try to do a little more each day. That I should go to a meeting of the new special group and talk to them. about joining. The guest group is getting harder as I start and stop more relationships. I find myself unable to see what she means about my authority problem. Last night another dream about Adele, driving around Camb-Somerville trying to find her. Going back to the old apartment and Deanna has found another room we didn't know about. Dancing elephants and hipopotami. Rowing a boat in a beautiful park. I fucked with Reggie last night. It was very good for me and her, but she never has an orgasm. She told us a secret fantasy she always has - that the man who fucks her is always brutal. She dreams of being beaten. This bothers her a lot. She likes the man to make big movements in and out. Many don't and only make small movements. She can masturbate to orgasm. A week or so ago I thought my situation was hopeless. But in the last few days I have been in front of the guest group many times, even becoming leader of the second guest group of ten. I don't know exactly what happened. It was almost hypnotic. I just got up on day and made a very good speech. Another time I sang and danced or clowned around. Right now I am feeling very heavy and tired, which are my usual depression symptoms. Now I fantasize about waking in the morning, telling Reggie I want to fuck - then doing it. And now about piano lessons. I am dreaming more about people and situations here. A few nights ago about 4 of the women in the Swedish group. They worked in a bakery and stole their countries crown jewels. And I think less of the remote past and more of the local past. Today I found another opportunity. Otto was leaving the dining hall and wanted to stack his plate. People were in the way so I reached over, took it for him. My contact with people here has increased a lot in the last days. I can now say hello or speak with most everyone. I whistle and sing while in the kitchen and have even yelled at people on occasion. Brooke says I will have to go way down before going up. That I must learn to accept her as the analyst and better, that I resent being a pupil and admitting I don't know anything. Also that I don't know I don't know anything. Tuesday January 9, 1979 Last night a call from Bill Zwicker about my various businesses. The group he is with has joined some of the ULAB2 people and started with free sexuality. They are interested in buying one or more of the businesses or forming some sort of partnership. They are thinking of expanding the newsletter to magazine format and putting it out monthly. They want to do something with the mailing list business, maybe even buying it. So I start to think of how I can separate Bill Zwicker from his money. He also seems to be putting/getting in a position to lose more of his money. So I will write my ideas to him. Last evening, like the one before, was about authority and hierarchy, but mostly about a particular person. Ralph had done a very dangerous thing with a machine and nearly cut off his arm. So it was also about whether he should be punished or not. And, if so, what should the punishment be. Claudia suggested cutting off half of the first joint of his little finger. Then it got to be about how much they should cut off and who was for or against. Otto dragged all the against punishment people into the middle and made a theater of their reasons. Finally Ralph was dragged into the middle and beaten up by Otto, Bernd, Herbert and Otmar. Later Otto beat on me as he was leaving. I tried to get his attention and it worked. He beat and tickled me. Later I got Otmar to do the same. He always tries to beat me off and accuses me of being gay. Later in Pengo I got Schlomo to beat me. It is a great tension reliever as I yell, laugh and groan a lot. Reggie said she would be the fourth person to beat me - but later when we were in bed. I notice I'm becoming very jealous of her. She and Frieda left the room and my first frantic impulse was that they were leaving to fuck. But I then realized they couldn't. I had a frantic sense of loss and panic. I am beginning to have moments of fixation. When I don't want her to leave me even for a moment. She challenges me again for leadership of the group. But I am able to do what she asks - sing a song, but she can't do what I ask - act stupid. She is only cleverly silly and realizes it. We fuck again this night but it doesn't go well. We both lose the feeling and talk awhile. I tell her my fantasy of fucking with two women. One lies on her back. The second on the first. Then the one on the bottom grasps the one on top with her legs. They try to get their cunts very close together. I then start fucking one then the other. I stick my prick in one then in the other. I don't know which one I will come in. Otto sat beside me in the dining hall today. I was very nervous and unable to speak but had at the same time a very calm feeling. Again with Reggie, we talked about all the vile, perverse, disgusting things we would do to each other. I played the tough American cowboy with my best cowboy accent. Wednesday January 10, 1979 Sauna day. I go to lie down, fall asleep and don't wake till 10:30pm. No group meeting tonite. I, Reggie and Andreas go for a walk in new snow. There is heavy fog and after 100 yards you can't see anything. We walk towards the Hungarian border. Reggie and I will sleep together again. We wrestled a lot earlier in the evening. I began to feel like a primitive animal. I notice myself falling into her more easily. We joke about our couple relationship. I work and she cares for the children. A new woman guest arrives, Ulrike, from Heidelburg. Reggie's analyst, Schlomo, suggests that she masturbate almost to orgasm. She does; then we fuck. I have a good orgasm and she enjoys it but only comes a little closer. She enjoys my scratching her head so I do this for an hour or so. Thursday January 11, 1979 On the way to supper, the road is covered with packed snow. I'm walking with Madeleine. A woman passes us going the other way. I say hello and just then Madeleine slips and with one hand hits me in the crotch! Earlier she became jealous when Tina Mueller was playing with me. Today is the second time TM asks if I've started quarantine. I think she wants to fuck me. But she goes to Nurnberg this Saturday. Teresa called me to the middle this afternoon. It was not so bad as other times. I was able to say something about what I thought was going on - difficult since I was doing my own translation. Some of the people are Saturday January 13, 1978 Last night everyone danced in the middle. Ballroom, then rock & roll then tango. Then it was about food and finally, the theme for the evening, a fly in the soup, and how to catch them. So for two hours people showed the clever ways they used to catch flies. I had a perverse idea for a fly trap. Namely, to bend over and hold my buttocks apart. Then to wait for a fly looking for lunch. When one landed on my asshole, I would release my cheeks... SNAP! And the fly would be squashed. Today I paid most of my rent bill and my analysis with Brooke. Her fee has gone to 490 shillings/hour, up from 420. But I get the old rate. So what happened? She tried some hypnosis techniques but I was very wary. The last time with a hypnotist was when I was 12-13 and he was a dentist trying to convince me there was no pain. It didn't work. But I did wander back to a time in my childhood and my stepfather. It started with me in the middle of a fast moving stream. He would always push me into hard situations like this. So there was the small boy being beaten and scared into manhood. I remember mostly being in the middle of the river and should I go back or ahead. I don't remember getting in the middle or leaving it. The bottom was covered with slick rocks that moved when pressure was applied. No safe, solid place for my feet. Another time I was helping him in a large garage, late at night. He was changing the brakes on a car. Then he asked me to go to the other side of the garage and get some black brake shoes from a cabinet. So where was the cabinet? His pointing was vague. What are black brake shoes? I didn't know. So I find a pair of old fashioned ladies shoes (black), but am overwhelmed by a crazy feeling that this can't be what he wants. The feeling is right but I am ridiculed for my mistake. Things like this seemed to happen constantly while growing up. He was very good in reality. A great hunter. He could build and remodel an entire house by himself, repair any motor vehicle, run a whole farm. I always admired this but felt inferior. He would never really teach anything, always being vague, spotty in his explanations. I cried several times while trying to say how much I wanted his love but was constantly frustrated. Now I notice hos dissatisfied with my writing. How I want it to be well written, no, readable by others, like a story. Reggie has come into Pengo and wrapped herself around me. I told Brooke how I've fallen in love with her and am very jealous. There is a weak anxious feeling in my arms and legs. When she's not with me then were is she? When she's with me is she going to leave? During the recollection of being in the river I suddenly noticed two cold rings around my legs, just above the knees - about the height of my boots. I also spoke of my stepfathers hunting ability and how he would use only 1 or two bullets to kill an animal. He was the best I knew of. And he would always be the first to site an animal. Last night a dream about my grandparents. They have a dog. A female. A male dog is always after her. I grab the male by the tail, whirl him round and round and then heave him over the fence - like in the Olympic hammer throw. It seems the dogs were my parents, and the children of my grandparents. I was throwing my father away. The evening theme is snow. It reminds me of a time when I was 6-7. Going to school. It snows. A blizzard. I wait for the bus. And wait. Finally I start to walk. It gets colder. The snow and wind drown everything. I am lost. The bus passes. They don't see me. I start to cry, feel lost, alone, want someone to save me. It happens. I get warmed and fed by the neighbors. My family comes to rescue me. They really do love me. Saturday Night Peep Show - about 10 people dress up & with grotesque makeup, put on a show for us all. Tits and ass sticking out everywhere. Leather, plastic, red lips, tight pants and whips, strip tease, cross-dressing, perversions, etc. Everyone completely enjoyed it. I was hysterical much of the time. I also felt a little guilty about enjoying such a disgusting spectacle. But it was a good comment about our society. It will be tried again next week. Many others wanted to participate. I imagine myself a Texas cowboy with too large boots, hat, gun & holster and a black loincloth plus makeup - but nothing else, riding in on my big white horse. Reggie sat on my right and translated, and Madeleine on my left. I slept with Reggie. We wrestled quite a lot and tried perverse ways of touching and licking each other. She is quite strong and it took a lot of effort to overcome her. John-Baptiste wants the 3 of us to sleep together but Reggie says no. He tries anyway but I tickle him till he becomes hysterical, and then push him away. Reggie says she will sleep with him tomorrow but it sounds like it is only to placate him. Or perhaps this is my wish - that she not like anyone but me. Monday January 15, 1979 So last night Reggie slept with John. I was very jealous and moved my bed. But I could hear everything. I moved between dying and being pleased - depending on whether or not she seemed to be enjoying herself. I found myself straining to hear and determine if she was having an orgasm. I was afraid she would have an orgasm with him but not with me - or really, that she would enjoy him more than me. All of this coming and going over me in waves. Becoming tense and then relaxing, but only a little. Then I try to masturbate and fantasize about fucking with Sandy. But she keeps coming back to me. A dream last night about me, my brother and Teresa. We are in a tall building and trying to escape (my brother, Ken, and I). Teresa spots us and starts to chase us. Then we are in canoes, paddling to get away. But she has one also. Then we are descending the stairs. They are many. She gets closer. Tells us to stop. Criticizes us for running away. Finally we are out of the building and hiding in an alley. We have escaped for a time. Tuesday January 16, 1979 Letter to David W: Hello David, Duncan is gone! He left January 1 and I learned of it several days later. He was going to Paris to visit relatives, or so I heard. Contact his mother to learn what happens. As to them treating me right - my first four weeks were miserable, and then something broke. A few days later I was leader of the 2nd guest group, 10 in each group. Now I am leader of all the guests, 9 or 10. My analysis with Brooke is going very well, according to her, and much better than at first, according to me. I am in love with several women, and especially one - Reggie. She is here for 2 months, and born in Ohio, and lived in Switzerland since 4 1/2. I am resisting falling in love with Brooke but expect to be even sicker when it happens. I want you to do another issue of Resources, but with 3 or four pages of index. Go through all issues to get keywords and item numbers. Do it something like this: aardvarks 37, 128, 311 abortion 2, 491 . . . zebra 243 . . . and so on, with two columns per 8 1/2 X 11 inch page. This will give you an excuse to see Deanna. She will have a complete set of RN's in the terminal room in the sand colored file. Make a xerox copy as I don't have many complete sets. So let me know what you think of all this. Richard Wednesday January 17, 1979 Monday night I sleep with Reggie but we do not fuck. I had analysis with Brooke this same day and she gave me a post hypnotic suggestion - to think of Reggie as a colleague and to fall in love with her instead. It was a long session as I went to get her supper afterwards and ate with her and Otis. Also, Edwin arrived late this afternoon. The Monday session started with talking about running and my feelings about it. In practicing (for races) I often had a primitive feeling of pursuing wild animals - a hunter. There was an initial feeling of excitement, a rush of adrenalin at spotting the game, then the pursuit. I also went back to earlier days and real hunting with my stepfather, and pursuit of real animals. I felt no particular hatred (a question she asks), or any hatred for female or male deer. But we mostly shot males as there were some sort of rules about females. I don't remember any significant difference in feeling recollecting I think my stepfather may have had such a feeling. I remember him slaughtering a female pig and then asking someone to "get the women". When they arrived he started cutting her open and tearing out the womb. I didn't understand the significance of this but remember to this day the incident and a most peculiar feeling about it. It was an unconscious expression of his hatred for women. Thursday January 18, 1979 For the second day in a row I miss my analysis with Brooke. Today because she leads the SD group past 4pm. Yesterday because I was fucking with Reggie between 4-5 and I thought it was at five. An incredible feeling of energy the last two days. This morning I got up early and brought coffee and oranges to all the guests, played the piano for a few minutes to wake them quietly. Then off to work where I want to wash the dishes at supersonic speed and do everything faster. I think about other things to do for the guest group. Then comes the idea they will love me so much they will want to save me. They will go in the middle and tell everyone how wonderful I am and all the good things I do for the group. But I also feel my inability to lead the group, get everyone together. Sometimes it seems like its these special guests that are the problem. Yesterday was the first time Reggie said "I want to fuck you" directly. But it was slowly and as though she were anxious and falling. I asked if this was the case and she said yes. Then about last night when I was feeling abandoned and desparate and asked who she was sleeping with, and, of course, wanting that person to be me. Her reaction was like that to John last Sunday night. He seemed that she said what I wanted to hear - she would sleep with me tomorrow. John wanted to sleep with us. She protested and in order to satisfy or placate him said she'd sleep with him the next night. But mostly so he would go away - not so much that she wanted him. Friday January 19, 1979 Last night was very bad and good for me. Bad that I had to work/try so hard to have a group SD and good that I found a better place. Second, after REggie. It was a fight, as thought I had to pistol-whip them into shape. This afternoon during SD R said she felt like she would neve learn English. For just a moment I felt good that she felt stupid about something and couldn't be as good as me! An embarassing thing at lunch when Brooke was talking about my being a model several days ago. I didn't really understand it. Something about my prick. So we were up late then R & I slept together. We were up until 3am or so. I awoke at 8 and thought of getting up or pushing R. Then, with a guilty feeling, I decided to just enjoy lying with her, realizing that if she failed to get up & assemble the group for breakfast, as she said last night, she would slip a bit as leader. I would then have an opportunity to better her tomorrow. It would have been best to push her a bit to get up with me. This would add a little more glue to the group. I think about how to be leader again. Do I let the present leader fall by sitting back? Monday January 22, 1979 During lunch William and I chased a rat in the dining hall. His first blow stunned it and my second finished it off. Last night I caught two mice in the guest room. Friday night I was holding Otmar's coat & hat while he put on his boots. Otto came to me, took my hand, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and patted me on the other. He said a few words I have no memory of. It was overwhelming. I reached out for him as he turned and tugged at his coattail. Otmar asked me how it was. Later I came to him and held his arm and almost cried. He asked what it was but I couldn't say. Brooke hugged and kissed me. I was speechless. Bernd walked by and said the two gentlemen know each other. Saturday night I saw a pack of Marlboro's by Otto's place. Otmar said they were his. Then that he heard I was developing very well. He was surprised that from such an old oak tree a grren thing could grow and start jumping around like a squirrel in the woods. Earlier in the evening, before Pengo, Reggie & I stayed in the guest room and fucked. She took me by surprise and removed my clothes, turned out the lights and lite a candle. She said my fucking did not seem at all mechanical to her and that she enjoyed all the ways I moved. It was very good to watch the way our crotches/genitals came together. We both worked for Pengo and watched the peep show. She slept with John this night. I jerked off while listening to them fuck. Something is changing as my ill feeling and jealousy are not quite the same. I said something about a group meeting and got a too quick response. She was disturbed about something. I thought it was that she felt pushed by me. This was not what she felt. It reminded her of being on the way to wash the dishes and then having her mother say - go wash the dishes. But for me I only wanted to know. Their was a definite and first feeling of tension between us. Earlier today I had a feeling that R would be gone when I returned to the guest room. Gone from HF! Anxious and afraid. And now I lie here waiting for her return. I become alert every time the door opens. I hope it will be her. Bernd was in the kitchen today and started speaking to me in a personal way - but in German. I became completely upset. He had never spoken to me in such an intimate way. It made me very uncomfortable. Gerhilt later told me that he'd heard I was developing very well and that I should learn to speak German. She told Bernd that I was the best dishwasher they had. Last night was the most fantastic dream about FH. It was in a building like the Neubau but with rooms around a central area. I wanted someone to sneak into Otto's room with me and fuck - there in his room. Finally Ute agreed to sneak into Teresa's room and fuck there. Afterwards I saw John (of the special group) and R dressing - after fucking. I did not feel jealous. Next was an incident with two giant white rats that Bernd Stein had trained to catch mice. One of them came to me and tried to speak about something, but it was incomprehensible. What I was remember was its desparate look and gesture. Then outside with tall thin trees. We had hoses and were spraying water into the air. I awoke and told it to R. Then back to sleep and a 2nd dream. Myself, and older man, and several younger women, were trying to travel from Ohio to some place like Washington, DC. We got caught in West Virginia and had trouble getting together on the same bus or train. Today I see that Wolfgang is leaving. But several days ago R said he borrowed 4000 shillings from her to stay several weeks. R told me about this - how he pressured her and said she had to loan him the money. She got out of the situation by doing what he wanted. I decided to speak with Otmar about the situation because I feared what would happen to R. I did this. Then he spoke to R. Otto overheard and he wanted to know everything. So they all go down to the guest room and confront Wolfgang, and R gets the money back. During this time I am shaking like a bear has just jumped out of the bushes and growled at me. I am very wary of confronting R. But finally I go to her and she tries to wrestle me to the ground using considerable force. She really wants to beat me. But its like a child whose parents have just told him how bad he's been and he doesn't want to hear, but knows they are right. She calmed down after awhile and I talked about why I did it. I did not want her to be taken advantage of. She tried to defend herself more during the guest group SD by saying "you think you know everything" and so on. That she wanted to be responsible for her own life, to manage her own affairs, to not be a baby. My response was that we came here because we have the feeling that we CAN'T manage our lives, because we CAN'T do everything for oursleves. Trying to is an insane reaction against our parents who cripple us, who make us incapable, who want us dependent on them. So the result is that she likes me even more. I ask who she's sleeping with and she says "I couldn't possibly sleep with another man after this" and she didn't. So two nights in a row. Steven, R's friend from Xmas, arrived today. I like him very much. Analysis with Brooke. I am very resistant to a trance. Refuse to follow her as she makes images. I notice a change in my feelings about R. Thursday January 25, 1979 Otmar complimented me last evening in the kitchen. He was pleased with my development and how I spoke about the computer problem. For which I don't yet see the basis. It appeals to me as it would be a long time secure job and give me many chances to work with others. Also to develop my mailing list business in Europe. BUT, there are some problems. They may not need one. There may not be enough to pay for it. But perhaps the break even point is close. It is me that would be under pressure to develop software for applications. I told him this was the worst place in the world to make a mistake. Better I should pick another fight with the government. He thought it was good that I could say why we shouldn't get a computer. We talked for a moment about the money situation with R and how I was afraid to do something about it. He guessed that we must be in love. He was making dinner for Otto and I told him how I thought of asking him to tell Otto I had helped the last time. He would do it this time because the dinner was not as good. I pretended to kick him in the ass. In that morning Otto passed me and said "hello Richard" and saluted. I have noticed how with R I tell many things about myself - but not to the group. I tell her this and she says I am right. Last night I tried to do this in our group SD. Every day I seem to realize something new about myself. Some new way that I am stupid. I have baked a cake for Steven's 28th birthday. We will have a little party this evening. Tuesday evening I had a pleasant paranoid fantasy about Vivian & Bodil. They were sitting on the floor in front of me and someone else was between my legs. Then during the evening they would lean against me or touch me somewhere on the legs. And I thought it was intentional, that they were trying to get my attention. It was another of my "save me/rescue me" fantasies. I take some situation with people in my mind. It can start anywhere. But slowly it starts to turn so that the people are doing something for me, saying how good I am, etc. I told Brooke and the guest group about this. I have the urge to tell Vivian - but not Bodil. I also tell the guest group about my idea to have Otto hypnotize the group in the middle. Another rescue fantasy. I will go to Neusiedl tomorrow for shopping and to get a special present for R. We fucked last night. It was the most athletic we have been - many different positions. We talked some about the competition between us to lead the group. It came up a lot while we had our evening SD. We talked till very late and I kept falling asleep in mid-sentence, or putting strange words in my sentences. Again I have a feeling that something is changing. We talked some about having a group together. Monday January 29, 1979 Analysis with Brooke from 10-11am. She called me in the kitchen. I brought her a present - an orange and bananna. Saturday evening I taught an exercise class for her, Lisle, Janis, and Karl. It was very exciting for me. It went very well. They were very attentive and talked a lot about everything. The best part was that they paid me 40 shillings for a half hour AND they want me to lead it every day for 15-30 minutes. And now I think about the possibility of leading a daily exercise class for all of FH. Saturday night I got very drunk as R was sleeping with John. Friday I visited Neusiedl to do some shopping. I bought flowers for R and concentrated fruit juice syrup for all the group. I made some Saturday morning for everyone. In the Neusiedl Post Office several people noticed the return address on my mail and mentioned the "commune". They still think of FH that way. Later I was in a small shop to buy something - a notebook. Lisa was there to buy something for Aike. When we were outside she said something about not having paid for what she wanted, and that Aike would be very pleased. Earlier Anna had made a comment about my clothes. That I was dressed ok but my coat was a little dirty. The new trend here is to fit into society better. To give up the things that make us stand out, like the short haircuts and clothes. She was right about my coat. So Saturday nite I spoke to Otmar and told him all this. Also that I was interested to know what our political historian, Aike, thought of robbing a small shop keeper. Otmar liked this. I also said it was better for people to think we are crazy and honest, than to think we are normal and dishonest. Just now I have the idea that Lisa should return to the shop and tell them she noticed a mistake in her accounting of all the purchases she made, and the difference in money was the price of the things she got from them. This would make a very good impression. She could even take Vera & Ferdl along and make a moral lesson out of it. More and more I feel the urge to speak out about things like this. Things I see every day. Today I realized that a large hot water tank in a food storage area was convered with fiberglass. The stuff "evaporates/disintegrates" and enters the air as fine particles, to settle wherever it falls. In this case, on food that's exposed to the air. In the US such cases are being changed. Many places are removing fiberglass that is exposed. I have an almost frantic urge to tell someone about all these things. Especially Otmar. It is easiest for me to tell him. And then I think its just a way to get his attention. Then a doubt that I should say something and that I will start creating things to speak to him about, or that I will make big things out of almost nothing. R and I were fucking late Sunday afternoon. But the feeling in both of us went away. We talked about this. She thought it was a way of punishing herself - by denying herself pleasure. I thought maybe it was me not wanting her to enjoy it, or it was a way of testing to see if she really loved me, or that I'm trying too hard to perform. During the day I can get an erection easily by thinking of fucking with her. Or, in the morning I almost always wake up relaxed, except for my prick. But then when the real possibility of fucking, and enjoying myself, is available, the urge disappears. Sometimes we talk dirty to each other and it returns. I like to talk about what her cunt seems to be shaped like, or how many times we could fuck if we lived together for the rest of our lives. I remember that my excitement level is always greatest with women who aren't available to me. Again a change in my relatioship with R. I share less of my impulse thoughts and ideas with just her, and more with the group or when a third person is present. I don't have the same urge to tell HER everything. Maybe its changing to Otmar. I notice how we are very competitive. One time Edwin told how I spoke to him when he thought of leaving. It completely turned him around and he felt very good and had some insite into what he was doing to himself. R then said she would have said exactly the same thing. I then got up and said how very pleased I was to hear that she would say exactly what I did - in that situation. The others are starting to imitate me. John thinks of getting coffee for me and R. He now brings R yogurt and fruit. The others will do things for me and I notice they have little or no resistance. I then find myself pressed by an internal desire to do even more for others. I sit in different parts of the SD room during Pengo and try to light everyone's cigarettes or notice when they need an ashtray. But back to my analysis. We started with the word trance. I began to make up road signs. Beware of falling trances, slippery when in trance, trance limit 40 mph, etc. My arms and legs started moving by themselves. My hands were the most interesting. They fell in love with each other. They needed each other. The left hand needed the right more. It was more directly needy. It is not as strong, coordinated, or skilled as the right. Another time there were images of my infancy before 6 months and memory of my mother's breastfeeding me. She was very nervous and often game me to my grandmother. The images were like being in a dark room and randomly turning the light on and then off very quickly. Also an unusual sensation in my brain. Part of it almost seemed to move. It was like a dormant part being reactivated. Like a sleeping butterfly starting to awaken. It was a small area near the middle of my head. I had the impression it shaped something like this: [IMAGE of two tongues glued back-to-back] like two tongues or leaves crossed at right angles and gently moving/flapping. It seemed to be about 2 inches long and about 1 inch wide. I had an erection part of the time. It is the first time I can remember this happening. Once I began to cry when recollecting the first time Brooke and Schlomo left me in Harvard Square. I told her she shouldn't do that. At the end she told me I was an interesting case because of all my resistance to doing anything. Always thinking, trying to understand why for everything, trying to figure out what the analyst is doing, trying to avoid haing any tricks pulled on me. But I do notice, or become aware of, times when I have not been aware. These seem to be times of trance. Otto said that trance was close to real SD. A person in trance won't do anything if they have nothing to do. The person not in trance, and with nothing to do, will try to explain how they have nothing to do. On the other hand, a person in trance, with something to do, will just go ahead and do it - without explanation. A person not in trance, but with something to do, will often say they have something to do. Brooke also went over the movie "Love Story". I recollected the basic story and we talked about how something always goes wrong with true love. Just now I have another saviour fantasy. I was thinking about the Friday shoplifting incident. Then Otto calls all the parties, me, Lisa, Aike, to the middle. We tell what happened. I make my usual great SD and everyone loves me very much. I cry, shout, and explain everything very well. But then I notice what I'm doing and POOF!, it goes away. And now should I go upstairs to Pengo or stay here and talk to Edwin Meyer? I may teach an exercise class to the 2nd bag after the Pengo and before they go to sleep. Now I will work on the typing for Brooke. Friday February 2, 1979 Last nite another dream about FH. Most everyone was there. Monica Bok sticks out in my mind the most. It had something to do with money. Night before a short memory of small fishhooks falling out of my nose. Night before about Judy Leider. I visited her parents house. She was there with an Asian boyfriend. I had no clothes on. They did not seem embarrassed. I was from time to time trying to cover parts of myself with paper. That's all I remember. Last night was the second time I led an exercise class for the 1st bag. It was a little easier this time. I was not so paralyzed as first time. I could not remember what to do. Everything from 10 years of these classes seemed to go away. But now I think about how to organize them and plan topics for discussion. A special notebook for the schedule and another for exercises. and topics. I begin to worry already about its going out of style. Things come and go here. Sometimes parts stay, but the only things still here are free sexuality and SD. But the classes are well received and some people have commented about how I'm becoming famous on FH. I have just finished a 6:30pm class with the 5th bag and then the 3rd & 4th together. I got to see lots of tits. That never happened once in 10 years at MIT. Reggie and I fucked last night. It was the best time we've had together. She was not horny and wanted to sleep. I started telling dirty stories about little boys with flashlights exploring a soft, wet, pink cave. She changed her mind. It made me out of my mind and I felt like an animal much of the time. She told me to fuck her as good as I could. She got wetter and wetter and my stories dirtier and our movements hornier. But after some time, an hour maybe, she said I should come, but couldn't tell me directly that she was no longer horny. I asked her about this in our bag meeting today. She told us that. Sunday February 2, 1979 I was going to write but R probably interrupted me. Monday February 5, 1979 12:45am (Tuesday really) and we hear a noise like a cat yowling or child crying. Segrid is outside in the mud and cold, yelling and screaming. Half hour later we get her inside. But my talk with Reggie is interrupted. So I go to the phone booth to call the US. Then R comes down and sits inside with me. She is completely naked. I'm sitting on a chair with my winter parks, Yes, Kites T-shirt, and sweat pants on. Bodil walks by to the shower. She is a bit surprised. I tell her there is a very simple explanation for all this but she laughs and says it isn't necessary. R asks what was my explanation but I say there isn't any. Later she goes by again and I open the door to say "Its not what you think. I know what you are thinking but that's not right." So R asks if I have a rubber. She has the idea to fuck here in the phone booth. But I am only able to produce a glove, small box for my pen and the cap to the pen. The glove is confusing because of all the fingers. The small box would be too rough on her cunt, and the cap to my pen would be too small for my prick. Nothing is acceptable. So then I realize that I have just won again. She has come to me and left Steven alone. I tell her this and she remarks that I was slow to realize this. Earlier, before Segrid, I had thrown a little temper trantrum when I learned she would sleep with Steven. I began to pout, threw my shoes around, and refused to speak to anyone, hid my face behind a blanket. In that moment my body became weak and I felt abandonment, rejection and jealousy. I also started hitting them and kicked Steven in the ass. He said I was only doint it to get her attention - a trick I knew would work. R said that she had seen this before and thought my feelings were what they looke like - jealousy, but that I was amplifying and playing with them. A few minutes later she commented on how I was able to reverse this stubborn rejecting role and accept her love again. She said most people would stay trapped by their stubbornness. Saturday nite I was in the middle again. Otto called me in with Brooke. She was doing something about the Pledge of Allegiance. I was a bit drunk from a bottle of beer and had jokingly placed my hand on heart and was quietly reciting in unison. But others noticed. Then Otto asked all Americans to the middle. Edwin was in the guest room but someone went to fetch him. He out-Americaned me, Brooke, and Winnie. His flowered shirt, loud, offensive, aggressive manner. We played FBI, sang songs like Home On The Range, America The Beautiful, Star Spangled Banner, Old MacDonald Had a Farm. Played Jesus freaks, hippies, mafia, right wing anti-communists, money hungry businessmen, telephone booths, Texans, etc. I tried to recite the Gettysburg Address. Friday February 9, 1979 Today swimming with 3 of the children, Adam, Benni, Urschal. A lot has happened and I am presented with many opportunities. Last night I returned from exercise class with the first group, entered the guest room and they sang happy birthday; my 34th. R & I slept together last night. We tried some more tricks to make her horny, and her cunt wet. She never really feels it at the beginning, but wants to fuck me a lot. She gets horny once we start and enjoys the feeling. But it goes up and down and sometimes she gets very dry. So we tried keeping a glass of water handy. That didn't work because it wasn't slimy. I drank the water and made spit and she also. But I wasn't ready at the moment so it went away again. We talked dirty for a while and then I decided to get tough and brutal, but only a little. I am sitting in Cafe Zentrum in Neusiedl and realizing that it could be almost anywhere in America - except for the language. Most of the music on the jukebox is American. Then I put her ankles on shoulders and rubbed my prick on her cunt. That did it. Once the balloon was on we fucked. There was something different about my orgasm. It was like a soft, diffuse explosion spreading out from my crotch. Normally it is very sudden, almost painful, then spreading out over my body. R came close to an orgasm again but not quite. It has become quite comfortable to sleep next to her. I was never able to sleep while touching someone, but with her it is ok. We often wake in the night and roll around. I dreamed about Otto and the people on FH again. I came up to Otto cautiously, touched him, came closer, put my arms around him and began to cry. The rest is too vague. Just now the jukebox is playing "Blowin In The Wind". Earlier in the evening, 9-10 or so, I fucked with Nanny, a new guest. She is 32 and has an 11 year old son. She has a small body compared to R. Edwin was getting very jealous. He fucked with her the first two nights she was here. He was sitting 5 feet away and trying hard not to show his feelings. But somethings leaked out. He got red-faced and sweaty, started to stutter and rock back and forth. Later he said he was going to try out a Richard Gardner roll. He meant behave like me when I'm jealous. I try to place myself between R and whoever she's with, shout, yell, curse, hit them, throw things, make vile gestures, and so forth - but all exaggerated and playful. It helps me to overcome the feelings of jealousy, abandonment, resentment, and anger. I then thought about what would happen if R walked in and saw us. I was afraid a little. Then I wondered what she would think of my messed up bed, but I also wanted her to know - and was afraid that she would find me out. Earlier in the evening, while with the 3rd & 4th bag, I walked into Ami's room and a birthday party. The 8th was also hers. They invited me for cake and wine after the exercise class. Wencke was again very attentive to me. We listened to a tape and she wanted to be sure I knew what was going on. I am beginning to feel very horny about her. Lisle, Toni, and Ami spoke to me after Pengo. They all seem to like me, especially Toni, and asked me if I was still a guest - a polite way of asking if I'm past quarantine, and able to fuck with them. Toni was very good in SD. She went on an acid trip and showed all the ways she like to fuck. We all sang old 60's songs like "All You Need Is Love", "Can't Get No Satisfaction", "Everybody Must Get Stoned". I will sleep with Nanny tonight. Juju, the French woman who is here with her husband, also wants to fuck with me. She is 50 years old but has a very sexy body. Nanny says she thinks Reggie is in love with me and that I like her. I tell her it is just the opposite. But maybe she sees something I don't. My feelings are like those of being in love in the past. R shows none of those things. Except that lately she comes to me very lustful and often and intensely. Maybe its starting for her and soon she will show jealousy. But about all that has happened. I am now teaching 4-6 classes a day. One for all at 4:30 pm each day. Then 2 or more to the 5th-nth bag, then the 3rd & 4th every day about 7:30-8. After Pengo I go to Otto's room and 1/2 hour for the first & second bag. Last night Teresa said she was more refreshed at the end than when she started. Also, yesterday, I started a 1/2 hour program that will go every day for the children. Otto asked me to do this. It pleased me a lot that they believe I'm able. I began to think furiously about how to integrate everything. Then came memories of my own childhood and how I was often made to feel bad about my athletic abilities, even though I was very capable, especially at running. And other people who were forced into sports by parents. But the whole thing presents me with an enormous opportunity. A few nights ago Otto said they were now thinking of building a complete gymnasium and how would I like to live here forever and be in charge of the project. I could have my own room and everyone's attention. So what should I do? Stay and live with these people or go back to fighting against the world - what I am familiar with. I begin to thik that I don't really know anything. That I will run out of things to express any moment now. Also, as to the children, I am feeling very incapable. I think of my failure with Cheyenne and fantasies about her and Adele being here, and somehow I won't be so incompetant. Another thing is that I imagine everyone here to have some magic ingredient - but not me. It makes me panic somewhat to think I may actually have such responsibilities. Sunday February 18, 1979 12:24pm and I am in Ami's room watching Stefan who is now about 1 month old. Every day it gets harder to write something, not the writing, but the time. Yesterday was impossible. I tried to take advantage of the time for a phone call from Deanna but couldn't. The last few days have been hectic. I have another job - taking care of Stefan from time to time. Ami asked me yesterday while I led the exercise class. Swimming with the children was fantastic yesterday. I had them mostly to myself for almost two hours. Urshal, Zocki, and Beni. They were very enthusiastic and played with me all the time. They were also good at the things we tried for learning to swim. At the children's bag today they told me the children always look forward to my coming to them. They always ask about the time. They like me a lot. Urshal the most, then Zocki, Beni, Adam, and Lutzi. Another dream about FH. It was a dangerous situation on FH. Something like a bank robbery or attack. Otmar and I fought them off and won in the end. Then a few nights ago a dream about being in the dining hall and using the bread slicing machine. But I'm not cutting bread. Instead it is a huge fat rat! Nothing more. I watch Stefan for about 1/2 hour and he begins to cry. Ami answers my call. We talk for an hour about Wednesday, February 28, 1979 R will leave today. It seems impossible that so much has gone on in two months. It is like 2 years outside. Things that would never happen there are common here. Yesterday afternoon R & I fucked. She shit again. I thought maybe this happens because she is more relaxed, and not consciously in control of her whole body. But it happens regularly and we have a good laugh about it. Across the room Edwin is jerking off. Just now he finishes. He slept with Toona last night. They did not fuck. I was jealous even though I spoke to her about making this contact with Edwin. He thanked me this morning. I began to beat on him and push him around. It surprised me how little resistance he showed. I told him how my real interest was only in putting him down, rubbin it in, insulting him, and that he shouldn't accuse me of doing anything in his best interests. Helen will leave with R. We still have not fucked. She is still afraid of me. I wonder what her going with R, to Basil, has to do with R's relationship to me. I imagine that she loves R because it is much safer than me. It is a way to get to me. But maybe this is only my fantasy. The children's exercise classes are going well. Zocki & Urshal are usually the best. The like me more each time. Zocki & Urshal like me the most. I am becoming more confident and able to ignore who their parents are. Swimming was very good last time. All were able to walk into the pool with water up to their chins. I am thinking about R who will return soon from her analysis. Maybe we will fuck again. I have just got clean sheets. My eyes become heavy. Sleep is about to take me. In the last few days my feelings about staying have become very positive. For the first time I had the feeling not to return to the US. Maybe Edwin can do some things for me. This is what I think now. And I think about starting quarantine. I will speak to Bernd Stein when he returns. 4pm R has just left. A strange feeling in my body. I am on the edge of crying. Life goes on here. No one notices that she is gone. Katarina wants an exercise class at 7:15. She notices the look on my face. I tell her my true love has just left. We did fuck again. Clean sheets, even when we finished! I am alone in the guest room. The others are in sauna. I will write her a letter. Monday March 4, 1979 Last night was the second night in a row that I refused to go in the middle. Janis asked me. It was to dance in both cases. The first time was to dance like a skeleton and the second was to have a partner. Both times everyone indicated they wanted me to do it but I suddenly became very stiff, paranoid, felt as though I was being crushed AND exploding, hot and cold, all at once. Several people tried to pull me to the middle the first time but I clung desparately to the bench. This feeling makes me aware of my entire body. Its as though I can feel every cell. Yesterday was the 4th children's group meeting. People said positive things about my ability to deal with the children. I have started having contact with them outside swimming and exercise. They start to play games with me. They are the only people here who's feelings I am always sure of. I know they like me. I can't believe this of the others. I mean its not possbile for me to feel it. Analysis with Brooke. "Here we are again". She tries a trance. Ants are crawling up my legs. But I turn into a statute and nothing bothers me but I can see everything. Trouble remembering the exact details. It is 8am the next morning. I am waiting a few minutes while Lou prepares breakfast. Guests can now eat breakfast in Pengo Cafe. I told Brooke that the guests have elected me leader again. Edwin was against this as usual. He decided to run in opposition to me. Everyone voted for me. He wanted to know why all voted for me and not him. Tuna said that everyone projected on me but not vice-versa. Walter said this was especially true of Edwin. A look or laugh from me could unglue Edwin, but he was not able to do me in. He admiteed this was absolutely true - as he often does, but after its been pointed out to him. A similar situation happened with him and Tuna last night. He sat beside her and began touching and talking. She became stiff and the situation a bit tense. I pointed out that he was ignoring this feedback. He became quiet and realized it himself at that point. It felt good to be able to see this. I tried to start something between Walter and Tuna by telling Walter that Tuna had earlier told me she wanted to sleep with him but couldn't bring herself to ask. It didn't work. Walter is too afraid of women. No I will go have breadfast with him. Wednesday March 7, 1979 10:20pm I am alone in the guest room. My withdrawal over the last few hours seems related to Otto's remarks to me. Last night he spoke very positively about my leading exercise classes here. It seemed clear to him that I had enormous energy and ability. That he could feel I had a lot of potential to develop myself emotionally. This went on for several minutes and I went from feeling very pleased to ashamed to almost crying to panic, and I don't know what else. I slept for several hours earlier this evening, missing the 2nd exercise class I teach. It was deliberate. I did not want to move, to face anyone. Tuna and I fucked about 4:30 and we stayed in bed after that. She got up about 7 or so. She has a lot of desire to fuck me but has fantasies of knives being stuck in her cunt. I notice an increase in my self-consciousness while fucking and don't have orgasms as easily. Sometimes it takes a long time and she gets sore. This was so when we started but it ended when she became very wet. She started making noises and found this helped her relax and overcome her fear. I am feeling panicky. A sense of doom. What Otto said is disturbing me a lot. He also said that I should be most concerned about doing things for myself. It would follow that anything really in my best interest would be good for others. He compared himself to me and said he was just older than me when he began to imagine something was wrong with his life and that it might be better. In Monday's analysis with Brooke we spoke about my total resistance to my family at certain times, like when they called me by my childhood nickname. She said it was a way of maintaining my identity and control of my life. Normally I would do everything they wanted, sometimes complaining, but always doing it in the end. It is the same now. I do most everything practical for people but last Saturday and Friday nights refused to go in the middle for Janis. I stay away from the SD tonite because I imagine Otto will call me into the middle. It has been awhile since I last had one of my "save me" fantasies where I get called to the middle. I think about going to the telephone and calling Reggie. She is probably doing something connected to the local festival. Nine minutes of eleven and the evening has just ended. Monday 12:35am March 12, 1979 I have just called Reggie on the telephone. Someone goes to wake her. She has been dreaming of me just as the person wakes her up. I have a longing feeling for her, and say how I miss her and wish she were here and how I still think of her often and love her. She dreamed that we see one another again. It seems there won't be an SD group there. Helen spends much time with Peter and he doesn't have much interest. Steven is gone for a week and he still is interested. She learns to live alone and tries to make the best of each day - exercising, then doing daily things. The sound in her voice was of someone becoming a little harder to cope with things, a little more careful, more of a monotone, not the ernest but playful sound I remember to well. She will get me a Post Office Box, Edwin will return her gym clothes. I will write again, she will write to me. How romantically sentimental I imagine, as these things are written. So on to the recent past. Sunday night exercise class with Otto. We are in the new building in an almost finished room. The floor is the source of heat. We sweat a lot. Wencke wants to exercise in the snow. Some stubbornly close their mouths. It is to make fun of my SD last Friday evening. Earlier in the day, at the children's group meeting, I say how every day is too much for them and 3 days a week is plenty. Marlene supports this so it will be Mon, Thurs, Sat. The last few days have been exciting for me. Friday was the most so. Otto called me into the middle. Then a trance. I am in an elevator. I get out and become a saloon lion. But it doesn't work. I hold my hands together and refuse to budge. Lisle can't tempt me. So Otto tries trance tricks to make it more so for me. I become MORE stubborn. My whole body is tense and shaking from my effort. How can I get out of this? It is only a game. I am only pretending to be stubborn. I can end it at any time? Or will I stay all night? It goes back and forth. I am only playing, no I'm trapped by my desire to foil anones ideas of what I should do. I know he doesn't really want me to be this way - so that's how I'll be. Will he come to save me? Will I let him? So finally he comes to me and I start to melt, then hold him tight. He wonders if he's caught in my grip. But even that stubbornness goes and Lisle returns to dance with me and count from 10 to zero. I forgot that earlier Otto called Aike to the middle to see if he could do anything about me. He was completely confused and unable. Also, he called Tuna but that made no difference. I felt very relaxed at the end, and felt no fear of being in the middle. Otto asked if I would really stay there all night and I said it was possible since I had been very stubborn for long periods of time in the past. Wednesday March 14, 1979, about 12:20am Edwin is taking a shower. I'm sitting outside the guest room writing. Tuna is sleeping with another man tonight. Some of the feelings with R come up but they are mild compared to that. I become anxious and tense about what the competition is up to. One of them mentions this. She is between two men talking. I come to the edge of the upper beds and stick my head under her covers and gradually go all the way to her pillow. Where she says how I've stolen the show. So it happens again. But I can't make to much else and the situation becomes a little tense. Jack (from Canada) gets up and starts playing the piano. He can't say directly what he wants. But I go to shower and take my writing. Last night was good with Tuna. She has a mushroom fungus that makes her cunt dry and sore. We don't fuck - normally. She wants me to fuck her in the asshole. We use wheat germ oil to make things slide. It is hard at the beginning because she is tense. But I get in all the way and it goes well. Her asshole is slicker than her cunt. She has the urge to shit all the time. It becomes too much, a little sore, and we stop that. Then she wants to see me masturbate. Again the wheat germ oil makes things slide -a dn she does it with her finger in my asshole. All the time a strong desire to shit. Finally we take turns masturbating each other. She has an orgasm but not me. My fantasies don't work anymore. She wants to know them. They are mostly about Sandy, a year older than me but with the body of a 15 year old girl. A beautiful cunt. Slight build. We fuck together very well. My most common fantasy was to be behind her. She has her head down, back arched, and her cunt sticking up at me. I can see my prick and her cunt when we fuck. But this and others don't excite me enough to have an orgasm. Earlier today in analysis with Brooke I spoke about my anxiety feelings about going away, that is, the urge to leave, even though its very good for me here. Its like sitting on the fence, swimming in the middle of a stream that flows both ways. Its like what happens in a long distance race. Slowly the desire to stop creeps up on you and becomes a strong pull to push down. Its a battle - will the race be over before the urge to stop wins? Its like this for me now, and always has been so for all the time I've spent with group attempts in the US. I could always work hard and do lots of things. But completely being there was never possible - except for short, rare moments. Maybe it happens more now but isn't visible to me. Otto kids me about being in the guest group for 3 months and 9 couple relationships. Like a boy scout at camp. I stay, but the other scouts come and go. The SD evening was very good. Three people (Gerhild, Wolfgang, Jacque) were competing to determine who should play the piano. It was very good. Then Giovanni came to the middle and tried to direct and analyze everything for the next hour. He is like how Otto would play a totally unconscious person. An amazing circus act - if only someone could manage his aggressiveness. He was like a primitive, violent animal. He has a totally crazy look in his eyes. And then there's the situation with dieter. He walked in yesterday when a lot was happening. He saw it as chaotic and tense. Today Otto spoke to me about this and said Dieter would come to lead the guest bag. So he did. I missed most of it for a phone call from Deanna in the US. But it wasn't so bad. I said to him how it made me feel useless and incapable. How it wasn't so bad now as earlier. But he thinks that there is a lot of tenseness and psychopathic guests. Especially, I presume, Segrid & Giovanni. Later at the exercise class for the 3rd, 4th & 5th bags. Cedric told me I was being an especially good therapist. Perhaps it was something I learned from this experience. Friday March 16, 1979 8:18am I awake this morning with the feeling of not being wanted here. Another part of me fighting against my best interests. Last night was another exercise class in the SD room with live music, piano and drums. Otto came to shake my hand at the end then pretended to collapse. Then he and the others beat me up again. Night before last was a spectacular dream. It was about the women on FH. They were dressed in underpants and short t-shirts. They were pastel colored with large circles all over that were dark colors. The women bounded through the air as though they were on the moon. Like porpoises jumping in the water. The sky was a light blue with some clouds. They were always moving toward me but would never reach me. Yesterday I realized how my teaching was better for the 3rd bag & down. I become tense and anxious when I feel the urge to say something to someone in the 1st & 2nd bag. Monday March 19, 1979 Edwin left on Sunday. I had an anxious feeling and felt a loss. But the next day it was as though he had never been here. I didn't feel so bad and it didn't make as much difference as the day before. He slept with Tuna his last night. At first I was jealous, but short, then curious, then bored. She told me the next day that it was very good, free, and enjoyable, like being a whore. I thought it was so because there would be no contact the next day - just like with a whore. She says how she loves me but just now I realize how she has never said it to me directly, in a falling down sort of way where the other person feels the same. You are flooded by a warm, enjoyable, knee weakening feeling. We speak a lot about the state of our relationship. Or it seems like she wants to discuss it. Not that I say any less, but my attempts seem more directed at specific incidents, and her's somewhat the opposite. Everything seems to be turning to chaotic mush. Nothing is easy to figure out. It is like approaching a busy intersection - it becomes more important to make a decision, but also more difficult. Now I can't write down what happened earlier in the evening. We were here and about to go up, began talking about something. Yes, last night she thought I was distracted from our games and trying to get Martine's attention. But this was not so. It was chance that she saw me looking there. As I am not so intensely in love with her many things distract me - unlike with Reggie. For example, I sometimes become anxious when people other than guests are around and she shows some affection. I freeze for just a moment and wonder what they will think. It was just the opposite with Reggie. Saturday morning I awoke and felt that I was completely unwanted on FH. Later, I told Wencke this. But just before she had said, "I want to fuck with you." And there is a problem with the children's exercise program. It is difficult to keep their attention. It has happened that playing was stopped for them so they could do gymnastics. Friday, March 23, 1979 This morning in Flugdach Otto said to me "Hello Chief". The same disorientation and wild, stirring feelings inside me. The urge to run off in all directions at once. I have missed two chances to ask about doing analysis with me. Last night during Pengo he started looking at me and making faces but I got red-faced and couldn't continue looking at him and making faces. I almost began to laugh. Such simple things from him stir up so much feeling. Early yesterday morning, while on my way to the kitchen, we met again. He came to me, put his arm around my shoulder, hugged me, said "Hello darling", and kissed my cheek. Night before last I had a dream about Bernd Stein. He was trying to show me how to sandpaper a piece of wood. And Tuna & I continue to speak a lot about the things we see in other people and ourselves. My own feelings about always sitting on the fence. Having one foot and hand into everything here, but not both. I see her reluctant to touch another man when I am nearby. Last night she entered the room with Tony, arms around each other. But the moment she saw me she tried to pull away, couldn't look at me, tried to hide behind him. And Thurs nite we fucked. It was one of our best times but she wanted more after I had an orgasm. I told her how the way she was silent told me she wanted something more. She told me that I was very sensitive and right. So I played with her by putting a finger in her cunt while she masturbated. Saturday March 24, 1979 Yesterday things were going very well for me. The last few days in fact. I think about starting quarantine. Everyone asks why not. Each day some positive experience. Yesterday Frieder spoke to me about the exercises. He at first thought it was crazy. It was always hard. He felt heavy, wanted to stop. But the day before he had his first real 2nd wind experience. He suddenly became lighter, more aware of his body, and his feelings. He wants to continue. Tuna & I fucked early yesterday afternoon. It was a very powerful orgasm for me. I had incredible sexual tension. After fucking I wanted to look at her cunt from behind. She sticks her ass up, puts her head and breasts down and arches her back. It makes me very horny. I became completely erect again, even though we had just fucked. She began to cry. She can't believe that it isn't ugly, or that someone could have positive feelings about her cunt. We started fucking again and everything was visible to me. So I described what happens each time my prick goes in and out. But soreness wins over horniness. We talk about how it was with the person we last fucked with. Tony for her and Petra for me. Last night I slept with Doris who finally overcame her fear of me. She became a bit crazy and hysterical when near me. I am her brother, who she loves very much, but killed in the middle. She is like a wild animal who is being offerred food but could bolt and run any moment. Fucking was good but having won her emotionally cooled my interest, so it wasn't as exciting as it might have been. Just now I notice how it seems difficult to write about these situations in a way that accurately describes what happened and my feelings at the moment. It becomes frustrating as each time I take a whack at it, then realize that what is written doesn't really describe it. Thursday March 29, 1979 Toni Altenberg asks me today "When can we fuck?" She is doing the FH Intern now. I brought her a more complete list of Cautions For Exercises and gave her marterial, verbally, for push-ups and sit-ups. She asks if I like to fuck in the guest group. Yes, but not enough for me. Perhaps you will fuck a lot in the first group, she says. So we will have to wait 6 weeks. She likes me a lot, and is the second woman to ask me this so directly. So Saturday I start the quarantine. This morning I awoke a bit depressed and with a familiar feeling of being abandoned, and about to cry most of the morning. Tuna and I fucked about 11:15 and she cried when thinking about Saturday. Yesterday I thought of putting it off till Monday, but then realized its only an excuse to put off participating in the life here. But already I miss her. NO fucking for 6 weeks. She sees now how I remind her of her father. I am reliable, honest, solid citizen type, but without moralistic ideas. We lay together for a long time, but now the conversation seems to disappear for me. I wanted to look at her cunt. Just the idea makes me erect again - even though we have just fucked. Then we play a sensual game where I rub my prick between and around her legs. She describes my sensuality as being very female. Just now I see how I have fallen in love with her, just like with Reggie, but most of the sick feelings are not present. Not as much jealousy, abandonment, dependency, etc. It always seemed that it was her in love with me more. It is impossible for us to stay together AND do what we want. But for me the guest group is too easy. It takes me away from the people I most want to be with. I will start working in the garden at 7am Monday morning. New and harder work than the kitchen, but more interesting, and outdoors. The last few days have been quite exciting in the guest group. Saturday all the rats crawled out of their holes. Dieter was NOT there. Suddenly everything became very important and had to be translated twice. Everybody had something to say in the middle and from their seat. It was very chaotic. Some talk of structure and hierarchy but I suggest waiting for Dieter and that carries the day. We talk more of what it means to each person. For me it means recognizing who is better than me and who is not as good. It is also related to competition. It is a kind of sum of all the ways people can compete with each other. Competition with someone produces a very strong body feeling - tension and excitement, in me. The people who produce the strongest competitive feelings in me are also nearest to me in the hierarchy. Competition and projection seem to be at odds with each other. One can't project onto, or not as much, a person who is a close competitor. Likewise, strong projections would mean one is unable to compete with that person. Two more days with Tuna and I begin to think about how I can slow down time. Scientific fantasy. Saturday's bag was much less chaotic but more interesting. I arrived late and found Tony "leading" a trance. It was immediately obvious that he wants to be leader but could not show this with me there. My first action was to criticize him. Someone was in the middle, swaying, eyes closed, but he would often walk and look away from them. He was not taking care for their physical safety. I stepped on him hard and said this, also saying how stupid it was. He then became unsure of himself and would often look to me, as though to make certain that each thing he did was ok with me. I also noticed that Ali (Albert) was lying on the upper beds, sort of out of things, sometimes turning on his back to look at the ceiling, sometimes watching what was going on. It seemed as though he was withdrawing from the competition and letting Tony win. Gita leads the bag on Monday. The topic is competition. I start it by pointing out the events of Sat & Sun & Tony and Ali's behavior. And from Tuna I learn that Tony has done his leader act another time - with me not there. So, this all gets thrown into the pot and everybody is stirred up. I also say some minor things about the others and also criticize Gita for not watching out for the physical safety of people in trance. And immediately everyone wants to jump for the middle and defend themselves. Wednesday, April 4, 1979 Two nights of quarantine and it seems intolerable. The last half hour I think only of ending it. Tuna wants the same. But what to do when she leaves? Start another couple relationship? Herbert, Tuna's analyst, says she should try to experience everything possible in our relationship and always try to do what feels good. Several days ago she told me that Herbert had kissed her. It was in connection with the quarantine. She thought it was wrong. I told her to speak to Herbert and Renata. Renata was serious with me about the quarantine, but not when Tuna told her about Herbert. We spent the last week sleeping and fucking with each other only. It got to be quite good. In the last times I would fuck her from behind while she masturbated. She had very loud and powerful orgasms this way. It seemed we both became freer toward the end. The French girl with green pants says she loves me and looks forward to fucking me upon returning in 3 months. Tuna and I have a german lesson every day (for 3 days now) about 1pm. Today we read about the Harrisburg atomic power plant disaster. This morning Otto and I had our first real conversation. We spoke both English and German and walked a short ways together. He asked if I was taking a course. He beat me up when he heard it was with my couple relationship (Tuna). I begin to ache in my whole body from not fucking. It has become very strong in just a short time. Every night I see/hear the difference between guests & urlauber. But, as Tuna says, they join a group for the fucking - and do plenty of it here. I told her how the women make more noise than the men. She reminded me of a theory I told her about. Namely, that I had read how men in various cultures around the world, speak less than the women, and the reason for this is that, historically, men have been hunters and needed to be quiet, and women have stayed with the children and spoke with them. Children prefer the higher pitched voices of women - a universal characteristic. So maybe women moan & sigh more for the same reason. And just now I am reminded of Masters & Johnson who studied sexual behavior. They were able to plot curves of time versus pleasure for men and women. If I remember correctly, they looked something like this: | | +| MEN | e| r| u| s| a| e| l| p| | --|------------------------------------------------------------- | time --> R - before FH R - in guest group R - quarantene fantasies 0 1 2 | | +| WOMEN | e| r| u| s| a| e| l| p| | --|------------------------------------------------------------- | time --> But I don't remember exactly. Monday, April 9, 1979 Much mail today. A letter from Reggie! I stop work to read it. Wednesday, April 11, 1979 TONE (in Tuna's handwriting) Mittwoch, April 11, 1979 Today Tuna speaks about staying on FH, changing her studies, living in the Munich group, Vienna group, etc. Heute Tone spricht da von am FH zu bleiben, neue studien anzufangen, in her Munchen Gruppe zu leben, der Wien Gruppe, und so weiter (usw). And then I imagine she is here in quarantine, and I can't wait to fuck with her! Und dann stelle ich mich vor sie ist hier in Quarantane, und ich kann nicht warten mit ihr zu pudern! Then I become uncomfortable as it seems I will not be so important to her if she takes something other than FH. Dann fuhle ich mich unwohl weil es scheint mir ich werde nicht fur sie so wichtig sein, wenn sie was anderes als FH nimmt. But it is not so serious. Aber es ist nicht so ernst. If she is in any group then I will have her! Wenn sie in irgendeiner Gruppe ist, dann werde ich sie haben. It will then be possible to experience why I long for her so much. Es wird dann moglich (werden) zu erfahren warum ich mich so sehr nach ihr sehne. Thursday, April 12, 1979 Yesterday Tuna suggested writing my diary in German. I decided to also have it in English. She was pleased at our teacher/pupil relationship and that she was able to influence me with this idea and what I wrote. Today she is in Vienna to learn about the university. After she left for Vienna I began to wish I had gone with her. But this would make me late for the afternoon exercise class and then the lost work. I begin to feel more responsible about working every day and being on time. I sent another letter to Reggie today. I write more about what happens here in my letters to people than in this diary. A lot happened just today and it seems there is no more to write. Otmar's mother was sitting by herself during dinner so I went to sit by her. I told her how romantic I am and unable to stand seeing a woman sitting alone. She also is a romantic and feels jostled by people here. They are too pushy. It seems she thinks it isn't good to feel too much. Then she started talking about sex and how she didn't need it. And asking me if it was possible to just have a friendship with a person. Not for me, I said. I want both. She thinks older women don't really feel such things, but men are always interested. She gave me Goethe and Chaplin as examples. Friday, April 13, 1979 I told Robert about how the children behaved badly yesterday. Ich erzahlte Robert davon wie die Kinder sich gestern schlecht benahm. He translated everything. Er ubersetzte alles. They did not disagree with anything. Sie waren von nichts uneinig. I told about adam leading the revolt, Zocki throwing stones, Adam crawling into a wrecked auto, all of them not coming home when it was time. I finally tried picking them up and carrying them back, kicking and screaming. I became very nervous and aggressive. Sunday, April 15, 1979, sitting in the sun with Tuna Sonntag, April 15, 1979, in der Sonne mit Tuna sitzend I went for a walk with Tuna last night. But just now I notice something more important. My sexual, directly horny, feelings seem to have gone away. Tuna says I am obediant, that I accept the quarantine situation, that I am realistic about the time I must wait. I don't let it bother me too much. I seldom have an erection. Never in the morning. Completely the opposite of the past. It takes a minute or two for me to get an erection even when Tuna plays with me directly. Jealous of Tuna again. Waiting for her to come to the children's circus. Waiting for her to come to lunch. Then I realize she is fucking with that French faggot. I go back, and see that it is true. Ich gehe zuruck, und sehe dass es wahr ist. Otto and a group come over to us from the sauna. Otto und eine Gruppe kommen zu uns aus der Sauna. They stand around us and nod their heads at the happy couple. Sie stehen um uns herum und nicken ihre kopfe zu dem glucklichen Paar. Otto goes to Tuna, looks at her painting, puts his hand in her shirt, but excuses himself when he notices me watching. Thursday, April 19, 1979 I think about the Boston Marathon. Today I might have been running. But its not the big thing it was in the past. I can't put my finger on the quality of my feeling about it. Mild nostalgia. A bit of the excitement of just before the race. I have just finished cleaning the woods in front of Shuttkasten. Severe winds from yesterday blew a barrel of trash over. I wanted to do it all myself. Mostly so, with one person helping for awhile. I was anxious about getting credit, or being noticed, for doing it. Bernd came by and complimented us on the good job. Otmar came by when I was just finished. I pointed it out to him, the cleaned woods, and he said it was ok, very fine. Now, as I sit here writing, John and William come in and say they are very pleased. So now this pleases me more. But what to do about this wanting to be noticed and not asking directly. Always trying to get the attention on something outside myself. Some external accomplishment. Never me directly. A few days ago I began to realize how it is not ok for me to go in the middle unless Otto says to go. Often ideas come to me but something holds me down at the same time. And now a fantasy about going in the middle, being first, and trying to do something about this. The other night a very intense dream about June Rugh, Adele, David & Sandy, and a green car. It was some sort of confrontation. I have an impression of horniness but other details are vague. A fight with Tuna yesterday. Earlier in the day she said how good it was to have me here. And then, after John and I thoroughly raped her, she became very mad at me. It seems she wanted the rape to stop but couldn't say it. She continued it herself when our roles were reversed. She became the violator. Sunday, April 22, 1979 (a letter to Reggie) Dear Reggie: Last night you were in my dream. There were 6 of us. A bigger than nuclear family. Me, Tuna, you, goetz, and two others not visible to me. We lived together. It was very comfortable. The exercise book has arrived. One is enclosed. The price is 65 shillings. I was in the middle Thursday evening. Tuna went first. Otto was speaking with her. She didn't want to be alone. And was wondering why some people came to the middle so seldom. She asked Winnie in. Otto then had them change brains. "Winnie" was to then explain why she didn't go to the middle often. Somehow Otto brought the conversation to me and asked me in. So Tuna was now Winnie and vice versa but I wasn't fooled at all. Then with our eyes closed things began to happen. I could only grope around for Tuna and try to separate her from Herbert Stumpfl. So it went for awhile, me plodding mindlessly after her and trying to overcome the obstacles Otto put in my way. Finally he had us open our eyes and Tuna is sitting next to Otto. Then I get more jealous. I could only speak about it a little. And I almost forget a funny thing. Otto has a new trick where you stand beside one of the columns Wednesday So I put an end to this letter by saying that 2 days ago I dreamt about having my own group. The next day several of us decided to try. Last night I dreamed about cowboys and Indians. I was an Indian who specialized in playing dirty tricks on the white guys. And another missed train dream. Richard Thursday, May 3, 1979 Last night a surprise! Everyone does "jogging" again. They missed it. I thought it was gone. Most people stopped a few days after Otto. He had hurt his foot and was resting a few days. But then he didn't return. I had just bought a new pair of exercising shorts. Then Janis left the day before. He was the most faithful. The night after he left was confused. Nobody seemed to know what to do. Then people gradually stopped coming. A few came to the afternoon. So this pleased me a lot last night. I had noticed Otto fidgetting with his legs the last few days. The same happens to me when I don't do enough. And Claudia, yesterday, made me melt. I was working around the trees along the road. Her approach made me nervous. She was with Walter. She said "guten tag". We looked at each other. She smiled. I smiled. It stopped me cold. Then she said how I was making the land beautiful. In the last week a lot happened. There is now a special group. There are five of us. 10 in the bag we have formed. Me, Tuna, Suzanne, Klaus, Francine, and other long-term guests: John, Bodil, Madelaine, John-Baptiste, Winfred. Michelle was to be with us but walked out when she couldn't be the group leader. In the bag day-before-yester I was bad. Two people had got up to speak. I was anxious to do the same. Then I start to move but someone gets up before me. I become totally insulted and stubborn. Nothing came from me the rest of the day. It was exactly in this moment that I saw myself a little better but was still unable to overcome it. I tried to play with the mood but had little success. Yesterday in the bag I told everyone exactly what happened to me. Tuna was not there except for a few minutes. She came in and told briefly about a traumatic analysis. Then she left in a disturbed state to walk in the cold, wet, windy rain. I had the urge to stop her and say how she was making more distance between herself and the group. She is aware of it but not what she does to cause it. She begins to question continuing her education. A few days ago she had decided to finish. 10 days ago she was happy that she didn't have to finish. And I go up and down with her change in mood. Afraid she will leave, ecstatic when she wants to stay. The last days see more change. I feel less of the mood swinging with her. Maybe it is only temporary for me - another swing in mood. I have a lot of new physical sensations. A different awareness of my body. Mind seems at times more distant from the body and other times more integrated. Fucking the last two nights gave me this feeling of everything being connected. I was not as wasted but felt completely relaxed. It was easy to fall asleep. Tuna and I fucked about 8 days ago without a rubber. She did not tell me it was in the fertile part of her period. In the last day or so we have noticed a change in the smell, taste, touch of her cunt. We have talked about if she is pregnant. Right now I fantasize about being a father again and that we will get married. Mr & Mrs Richard Gardner. And then the dream about my father. Two days ago I thought a lot about him and my family. That they would all come here to visit me. {Friday, December 9, 1994, email from Chris: I've been enjoying your recent flurry of FH diary entries--you know I get a much much stronger sense of YOU then I did from reading CC '76. Not sure if this is because I have 8 BIG years experience under my belt since then or because your FH writing deals much more with your own inner workings than CC '76 and more recent writings where you were perhaps not so insecure and were more able to focus on others, exterior events. No, maybe it's not so much that as that in FH you seem to be really struggling to keep up with density of events, mostly on your heels, reacting whereas in CC '76, even though relationship with Simone etc. was wild, YOU the narrator seemed more in control than all the other characters. So, what's going on now? You communicate less about the present that at any other time since I've known you. Is that because it's less vital for you just now? My theatre here is in transition, which places me in transition, and the nature of this transition is one of waiting rather than one where components are stirred up. I want to make that change, and yet affection for people around me here keeps me waiting, hoping that change will come to me without my having to leave to create it. to which Richard says: What you say about the density of FH is true. Never have I had so dense, such a dense, experience. On the other hand, one never ever really got behind. I mean, you might feel that from time to time. But the real life there was formed in a way that almost made the modern malaise/affliction of being perpetually behind, late, late, late... impossible. The behind/late thing was simply reformed into the present. Peculiar and almost a paradox on thinking about it now.} Tuesday, May 8, 1979 Today was the first day of my life on FH in my own group. We have been together several days but last night was the beginning of bringing together my "personal problems" and the group life. It began with a long talk with all of us in bed. But soon I began to feel not a part. It became more so. Finally the others wanted me to speak. I would not. I could not even say how I felt separate from them. And then a feeling of nausea and tension so strong that I had to vomit. It felt like the others were the group. So today, at sometime I would have to face the others with left over tensions and stubbornness. Passive resistance, where I will say or do nothing, no matter the consequences is an old pattern for me. Normally I would want and wait and want - and finally whoever the fight was with would break down. In this moment I have the urge to rip my notes to pieces, throw them into the air, and go sulking away somewhere. But its not so bad. Everything I write feels completely stupid. It has nothing to do with anything. So what! Its often like this. I struggle to accurately write something about myself then realize it says nothing. All the day I work like a maniac. In the beginning my head is filled with battles against the people around me. Why are they so stupid? I replay an old fight, win it, and go on to the next. Sometimes I catch myself, bit my tongue, but it soon goes back to a new fight. Later in the day it is better. The hard work begins to overwhelm my brain. The body becomes the bigger part of me. I move in a set pattern. I begin to feel like an earth artist, again. My thoughts become almost away from my body. I feel everything in me is one part. Thursday, May 10, 1979 Eigenschaft Trance Positive things about me: 1) I can work hard and long. 2) I have many clever ideas about how to solve real problems related to work. 3) I can become infantile very easily and quickly. 4) I am very horny. 5) I don't give up on me. 6) I can make positive things of whatever others say about me. 7) I take the risk of criticizing others. 8) I try to say what positive developments I see in others. 9) I continue looking at people, and say hello, even if they ignore me. 10) I press to end an uncomfortable situation between myself and someone else. 11) I like to do small tasks and favors for others. 12) Although with difficulty, I am able to make use of my sutbbornness to make fun of it. Sunday, May 20, 1979, 11:10pm, Friedrichshof (letter to Tuna) Hello Tuna! Its not quite immediately after you left, but soon enough. The five of us went to the Italian ice cream place and had some. I paid. And then we returned. The evening was much the same - except that you were not there. But I notice it is not so hard for me this time. I had a short depression this morning. My first in over a month. It was so clear. My body was so unusually heavy and everything moved slower. I felt so tired. But it was gone by the end of our bag. And now in this moment I feel a little lonely and maybe some tears will come. But for the first time a feeling of making it all myself comes over me. So all this evening I imagine, very consciously, how miserable it will be without you, how you are the only one. When I work against the feeling this way the fight is about even. It doesn't get better yet, but then it doesn't get worse. Monday, May 21, 1979, 1:30pm Lisa, Vera's mother, is studying medicine and has asked me to help improve her English as most of the tests and other materials are in English. She says things are changing everywhere, slowly, to English. So I will do this and at the same time have her help me with my German. Last night's SD evening was very interesting. People were being tested for how sensitive they were to light, sound & air pressure and then falling. 7:40pm We have just come from our bag and my lecture. Everyone was very excited. John & Michelle were mad at me. Phillip said I created a very tense, ambivalent atmosphere that made veryone want to jump up and say something. I'm very pleased at the results. I also got very excited. We soon left the concrete topic of my lecture to speak about each other - but not completely ignoring the subject. My last comment was to say that 2 days ago I got some information about nuclear power reactors and would speak about it in 2 weeks. Furthermore, I plan to build one on FH! We continued to 7:30. I started at 6. This seems to be a good way for me to do something with myself. Next Sunday I will maybe give an evening lecture in the SD room on this subject. What else? I still feel a bit of anxiety about my lost love. but this morning several people told me how disgusting you were - bad breath, acne, everywhere, an ugly nose, etc. I felt much better. I started to feel something about how restrictive the couple relationship is. It was after you said how it was worse for me. You were right. But in any case komm zuruck schnelle! Love Richard Bussi, Bussi May 27, 1979 (letter from my grandmother) Dear Richard: That was a surprise, to hear you are in Austria - not the usual 5 or 6 lines you generally write though. You didn't mention about money being with your card. Grandpa always gives me a lecture about putting "bare" money in the mail, rathan than a check. It's nice to know if its in there when you get it - otherwise, I'll have to stop sending money in the mail. We have a reservation on the Auto Train for June 11th. We will stay at Teddy's while we're up there - we hope. He is selling his place and moving to Fort Lauderdale in Sept. - that's where most of Rose Marie's relatives have been for several years. Only the one sister will still be up in Maryland. They will live witn RM's father, since he is all alone, after RM's mother died in Dec. I don't know if I ever told you that my sister Ruth, in Lima, died in January, and her husband died 11 days later. I was not able to go - I won't leave Grandpa too long at a time. And since he is too scared to fly, we didn't go up. But my brother from Long Beach was there for Ruth's funeral. We sent money for flowers both times. We expect to go to Lima in June for the annual reunion of Class of 1919. And some time before we come back here, to go see Jean and her family. It will be 2 years since we have seen her. Fred and Sarah - their oldest - came down to the house before we left in Nov. and picked up enough stuff to fill their station wagon, plus a big U-Haul he brought along. We got to go up to Orlando last month to hear Pete (Cary) sing in a choral group from his Maryland High School. They have been judged to be the best high school chorus in the state of Maryland. They came in a bus on a tour, and gave a performance in Richmond on their way down. I'll make a deal with you - you let me know how you got to Austria, and what you are there for, etc., and I'll fill you in on your father. I think you could do better than a few lines on a card. Your father did call here when he heard about my sister, but other than that we have had no communication. Be careful now - try to write. With love, Grandma & Grandpa Wednesday, May 29, 1979 (letter to Tuna) Hello again my darling, lovely, dearest Tuna! FH gets up an hour earlier now, at 6am! The group begins to have some new problems. It happened like the first few days when we started. Then everyone began to notice how dirty it was getting. Last Sunday was cleanup-and-rearrange-the-furniture day. Everything is roomier, cleaner, and brighter now. Another problem was staying up to late. Two nights ago two people came to complain. Claudia sent Franz to tell Madelaine to stop talking. The first few days you were gone I had a little depression for 1 or 2 hours in the morning. Now I think fondly of you sometimes and what it was like to fuck. Some people ask me how it is without you. Not so bad. Otmar asked and I said not so bad. He agreed and said it would be worse for you and he thinks you will come back. Yesterday Walter told me I am the best gardener FH ever had. Today he and Claudia were riding by and said something about me. Claudia looked back, called my name, and blew me a kiss. These two little things have made my last two days very good. I am getting much better in our bag. I come every time and always try something - even if its only to be stubborn - I try to do it well! Tomorrow is your course. Think of me as you look into the microscope. Otto comes back Friday or Saturday. Phillip is not trying anything. Klaus is completely impotent. He avoids us and sticks with Winfred. He and Suzanne return to Vienna in a few days. She and I are having less trouble fucking. But one problem, or so I imagine, is that she, at one point, has no more interest, and I suddenly notice it. There goes the ball game. We keep trying. Doris can't fuck now because her bacteria came back. Everyone asks me about letters from you. I have to tell them - nothing yet. Maybe I will get one tomorrow, or the next day. I have been thinking about Cheyenne and Adele some lately and about writing to them. Ulrike had a boy. Sven, several days ago. I am planting flowers all over FH. I plant them in the shape of people's names. Today I did OTTO! Tomorrow TUNA! Love and Kisses and you know what!! Richard Monday, June 4, 1979 SD Evening has taken a new form. Otto does analysis in the middle with 3 people, in their turn, for about 1/2 hour. Doris tells me he has just said that "money grows when it has the right gardener". She was referring to my comments earlier today in our bag. I said that Bernd Stein had said how nice the garden was looking, that I was the gardener, Richard GARDNER. So they all started singing about Richard the gardener. Tuesday, June 5, 1979 "Time is money." Otto said tonight, in just that way. Giovanni was just standing in the middle saying nothing, but trying. Otto had the next commentor come in. Wednesday, June 6, 1979 Today is Cheyenne's seventh birthday. Robert led our bag today. It was very difficult for me. I seem to have problems speaking around Robert. It is as though I imagine he will criticize me for whatever I do. It was one of the best times we have had. Bodil, Doris, and Suzanne were in the middle for about the same situation and from each, respectively, came stubbornness, hysteria, and forced liveliness. Another day of hard work. This morning Otto passed by where I was working and said how beautiful FH was looking. He asked where I'd learned it and I said in America, 4 years. The he started to grab and punch me in the stomach. I aimed my hose at him. He raised his hands, and then "pushed" me over. Sten caught me. I became a bit hysterical and epileptic. This evening Otto did analysis in the middle with Sabine (Hamburg), Bodil, and Wolfgang (Nurnberg). Thursday, June 7, 1979 A letter from my grandmother. She agrees to tell me about my father if I tell her what I'm doing here. Otto is so fantastic! The way he maintains himself, good humor, awareness, no depression, constantly doing the best for everyone he encounters. I admire the way he constantly creates new ways to interact with people in the middle. A talk with Sten today about the new direction. The single-SD, or analysis, is merging with the regular SD. It is becoming more public so everyone can learn ways to overcome resistance. I think a lot about my own today. Also about Tuna and asking her to go to the U.S. for a month. Yesterday someone said I was very aggressive. It gets more so recently. I find myself in a situation where something can happen. And then, almost beyond my control, I go too far. Friday, June 8, 1979, Friedrichshof (letter to Tuna) And now the news: 1) Bernd Stein has told Doris she can stay on FH, live & work here, but she becomes a bit stubborn and defiant in the kitchen and our bag, 2) a new level of problems in our bag - many people don't come. Phillip never, John-Baptist gets stubborn because he works in the kitchen now, Doris got mad at Bodil today & refused to come, Madelaine never comes when we paint, draw, Klaus plays ping-pong ** so you see we do need you! 3) The SD is taking a new form. It is a combination of an analysis and SD. Otto does 3-4 people each evening, 1/2 hour or more. Others come in but only play bit parts. Lots of others make short comments afterwards. Everyone takes notes to learn & help remember how to handle all kinds of defenses. Otto & others play ping-pong in the middle. He has them follow various hand & body movements. And then he has someone piss on them. He takes a bottle of water and dribbles it on the one being analized. Yesterday Otto said how good I was making all of FH look. Bodil says she is my newest couple relationship. I am only barely aware of it. You still have my heart! All this week I thought of you and our going to the US together. A call from my office last Friday about new business means I might go back for a month. Brit was my second choice. I had a little heart attack when reading you will not be back. It scared me, but only for awhile. I have, in reality, a very secure place here. Otto, and many others, like me, but, I'm a little like you in that its not possible for me to use it well. Your letter seems a bit unreal. Like all your ideas turned around and in two more weeks you will want to give up everything and come back. Or just wishful thinking on my part. Or I think maybe it was your intention all along and you didn't say it. More fantasies about you and me in Cambridge. We go to visit Adele, for a walk around Fresh Pond. Then at night we sneak under the fence and swim without clothes. We visit all the historic places, or mostly you do while I work. An observation about the AD evening: more people from the lower bags go in the middle. They know it will just be for their comment. Otto keeps almost nobody in the middle except the one he is working on. I sit here a bit paralized, thinking of and longing for you, but it feels a bit crazy at the same time. For the moment it is hard for me to be here. I will go see Otmar today and have a good cry. So, be good to yourself and come here if things don't work there - and don't let your pride get hold of you if that's the case. Richard Friday, June 8, 1979, Friedrichshof (letter to Tuna) And now the news: 1) Bernd Stein has told Doris she can stay on FH, live & work here, but she becomes a bit stubborn and defiant in the kitchen and our bag, 2) a new level of problems in our bag - many people don't come. Phillip never, John-Baptist gets stubborn because he works in the kitchen now, Doris got mad at Bodil today & refused to come, Madelaine never comes when we paint, draw, Klaus plays ping-pong ** so you see we do need you! 3) The SD is taking a new form. It is a combination of an analysis and SD. Otto does 3-4 people each evening, 1/2 hour or more. Others come in but only play bit parts. Lots of others make short comments afterwards. Everyone takes notes to learn & help remember how to handle all kinds of defenses. Otto & others play ping-pong in the middle. He has them follow various hand & body movements. And then he has someone piss on them. He takes a bottle of water and dribbles it on the one being analized. Yesterday Otto said how good I was making all of FH look. Bodil says she is my newest couple relationship. I am only barely aware of it. You still have my heart! All this week I thought of you and our going to the US together. A call from my office last Friday about new business means I might go back for a month. Brit was my second choice. I had a little heart attack when reading you will not be back. It scared me, but only for awhile. I have, in reality, a very secure place here. Otto, and many others, like me, but, I'm a little like you in that its not possible for me to use it well. Your letter seems a bit unreal. Like all your ideas turned around and in two more weeks you will want to give up everything and come back. Or just wishful thinking on my part. Or I think maybe it was your intention all along and you didn't say it. More fantasies about you and me in Cambridge. We go to visit Adele, for a walk around Fresh Pond. Then at night we sneak under the fence and swim without clothes. We visit all the historic places, or mostly you do while I work. An observation about the AD evening: more people from the lower bags go in the middle. They know it will just be for their comment. Otto keeps almost nobody in the middle except the one he is working on. I sit here a bit paralized, thinking of and longing for you, but it feels a bit crazy at the same time. For the moment it is hard for me to be here. I will go see Otmar today and have a good cry. So, be good to yourself and come here if things don't work there - and don't let your pride get hold of you if that's the case. Richard Tuesday, June 12, 1979 (letter to Tuna) Today Giovanni was made to leave. The women in Mukiba wanted him out. Winfred left for 3 days. Sunday was my first day without working. Most of our group bicycled to the beach. We swam a little, played horse and rider battles, lay in the sun a little, ate a little ice cream, and raced back to FH. Then the suana. Next day I was a wreck, wasted. My back and neck were killing me. At first it seemed like punishment for not working. Then Sten said it was punishment for trying too hard, for being so proud, for using it as a way to hide myself, for trying to be the "best" in a sort of American-are-the-best way. Today in our bag I had my old problem of being stubborn to the nth degree. But in between I was completely infantile. People spoke today about the future and what they will be doing. It seems Suzanne may leave in a few days. She wants to be in the Munich group. But I noticed that, to me at least, she has been very distant the last few days. She denied there was anything to it this evening but I've seen it in the others before and don't think its me. In the beginning she once told me she never thought of leaving. This seemed odd to me at the time because it was something often on my mind. Tonite she said she thought of leaving often. I don't understand how people like her can be so positive and then suddenly the ground from under them is gone. Life will be even harder in a group - people have more "real" problems there. At least this is what people living in groups tell me. Its more serious. There are fewer good people to poke holes in ones imaginery problems. I went to Otmar yesterday with the idea that maybe there were some real problems for me. They went away before I could say anything. I told him about how people were leaving much trash around FH the last few days. I told him about my idea to go back for a month about September and to take someone with me so I could fuck. Last night I dreamed about meeting Brit in the flugdach. And another train dream. He didn't think anyone would want to go with me. I tell him how the quarantine will be finished soon. He thinks I say something about the corn being finished. He asks if I will live in Mukiba. But I don't know. It seems there may soon be no long-time guest group. Tomorrow I go to Vienna with Ebi. Bernd Stein says we are to buy a computer for FH in the next few months. No work in the garden tomorrow. Today I took Otto some strawberries from the garden. This is a good year for them or maybe its my fantastic gardening skill! So he says to me, in my green overalls, plaid shirt and green hat: Now that's a REAL role - an American farmer! I was very pleased. I still think about you but the anxiety gets less and less. Today some fantasies about visiting you in Norway and our living together, travelling around the world, carefree, happy, wonderful! But I begin to fall a little in love with Doris, and she with me. She will stay and maybe start a pottery business here. Bernd says she can stay & work. Now, for awhile, she works with Klaus and cleans the Shulhaus. Suzanne takes care of Sven most of the day. Klaus paints still. He talks of leaving also. I will stay in any case. Come back and love me! Richard Thursday, June 14, 1979, Friedrichshof (letter to Tuna) These letters have been just what I write in my diary. Does it interest you? Should I continue sending them? Wednesday morning, 4am, I awake with the urge to shit! And so for the next 3 hours, every few minutes. Everything not flesh, and inside of me has turned to water. Out it goes. Death is near, or so it feels. I can't move, every cell aches. Bodil says it is because of my stubbornness in the bag yesterday. Ebi says its because I don't really want to look at computers in Vienna. Renata thinks its because the quarantine ends and fucking with everyone disturbs me. I think it was a bad piece of meat from a day ago. I took it from a refrigerator while watching the children. Everyone takes care of me. I don't want to get well. Being healthy is too hard. They don't expect much of me. Its ok to just sit there quietly. But thinking these things does bother me. Because there is also the urge to get better. I struggle to get up and walk around. I go to the evening SD. It seems I will pass out, fall down where I am any moment, aching everywhere. Then I lie down and begin a new fight inside my head to convince the body it can get up and get better. And then a few times when my arms, hands and legs seem to grow to enormous size. They are too heavy to lift. They become big as a house. I imagine sitting on top of Shuttkasten and my arms completely cover it. It is better to be a baby and get taken care of. This is my first bedridden sick day in almost 5 years. Last time was November 1974 at my sister's house in Montana. Again then the cause was meat - wild antelope. This morning at 4am FH is in the middle of an incredible thunderstorm. Lighting and thunder like a war. Rain 1/2 inch thick pours by the window on the road. 3 hours it lasts. Then quiet. A little wind. The sky clears. The sun comes out. Most of the day is nice. My second day of rest. Everything is better. I am only a little weak. I will try to speak with Otmar about this crazy computer project and try to arrange things so I don't have to work 60 hours a week. This came out when Elka did the last accounting for my staying here. I think it helped to make me sick or made my resistance less. Being a working class hero is not for me. Soon we get a new lawnmower, more hose, etc, and this makes the work easier. Today Madelaine says she may go away for 2 weeks to get some distance. Michelle comes to our room during the day to sleep - and hide, also John-Baptist. Yesterday Robert said we were a really crazy group. He had me crawl over and vomit on everyone. He thinks Suzanne should lead the group because she is the most emotional. Bodil plays cool but there is something else there. Two days ago I caught her hiding in the bushes and crying. She tried to get away, send me away, but I wouldn't give up on her. We picked some strawberries together. She told me what I did with her was good. It made me feel good. But I said what I really wanted was for her to fuck with me after the quarantine was finished. How about you? Richard Monday, June 18, 1979, Friedrichshof (letter to Tuna) Cold, wet, windy, 4 days. So much for the weather. Today while working outside I found what appears to be a spike from the old FH railroad. I find many peculiar things while digging around. Also a small frog with a right-front club foot. John-Baptist leaves for Paris tonite. I told him good riddance and don't come back. He goes to sell his house and then returns. Suzanne and I continue to have troubles communicating. She speaks to me only in rapid German. Always too fast for me. She spends most of her time with Klaus. Last night he began to get attention from Otto. He often has loud, forced outbursts of laughter. Otto would stop and look over at him frequently. Criticism has become very sharp. Otto is cutting everyone. He got interested in EST on his trip. Much criticism is part of that therapy. Everyone gets it. Not just the person doing analysis. Last night a dream about stealing some fantastically valuable diamonds. I try to outwit the law. Last Friday a dream in the jungle. Beside a stream or small pond. I travel in a special vehicle. I am out and looking around when a huge, fat, very black gorilla crawls out of the water. It approaches and starts to circle, always facing me. Its feet go flip-flop, pitter-patter, as it rapidly circles me. My gun is rather strange - it is upside-down. The gorilla charges, the gun fires, suddenly everything goes blank. The gorilla circles again. He is slightly wounded. He charges again. I fire, blackness again. He circles, I back off. He falls into a mineshaft. End of dream. Another dream where a Concord jet explodes in the air and the front falls into a barnyard. Phillip returned to our bag but immediately everyone started criticizing him. It seemed as though the positive feeling of the last few weeks was very superficial. And of course he used everyone's rejection as an excuse to leave. I did not understand all this at the time but only later. So I still think of you my dear - but less and less. The scared feeling gets smaller every day. How is it with you? Are these letters a bother or so much romantic nonsense? I like to get letters from you. Today a phone call from the US. Don Saklad calls to say hello. Bill Zwicker is there so we talk some business, also Deanna. Sunday was a long hard day for me. I work and have two groups of children for 5 hours. Its hard for me at the moment as I'm not feeling so well. Not depression, just sort of flat, unable to speed up my motor. Today I become more aware of how I overeat. Not that it makes me fat, but still too much. Madelaine says she likes me. One more test for the quarantine. Klaus gets to press a slide against my asshole. They look for worms and other critters. Tonite the SD evening is being color video-taped. I will try to get some copies for sending to America. My illness of last week goes away slowly. It is still difficult for me to work the whole day and I have not been able to get up at 6am for several days. At the moment things are a bit difficult for me. But maybe tomorrow I will tell all my problems to Otmar and they will most likely go away. Love and kisses and I still wish you were here. Richard P.S. - would you like a copy of my exercise book? Friday, June 22, 1979, letter to Tone Your letter arrived today. As it was from Trondheim, were you visiting your parents? What have they to say about the new you? Your letter confused me as I read the pages in a wrong order and finally realized it did not describe your trip from here to Norway. Also, your written English is lousy, tense wise. There were as many mistakes in this one letter as I heard you speak in 3 months. Well, perhaps it is the hard times you live in now? So you change your mind again! Maybe it will change again and then back several more times. But you should remember that we, especially me, want you to come back here. People here are not so stiff or swum away you know. I am not too good at the moment as a severe case of stubbornness aflicts me. Otto and Teresa spoke to me about it for a few moments in Pengo today. He asked how long I was going to stay. And commented on how little German I spoke after 6 1/2 months. I am with the 4 children this evening. Adam compalined to his mother about me this evening. He says things are so interesting and funny when I'm there that he can't sleep - but he wants to as he is usually very tired. Such complaints I would like to get from everyone! Some nice compliments from Janis today about how nice things look around FH. He tried to help me learn German Wednesday by talking about how the best of everything, cars, opera, wine, etc, was Austrian. I find myself avoiding the others in the group and with Suzanne it is a bit like my relationship with Adele. She speaks to me only about business in her best monotone. Monday Doris and I were in Flugdach. There was an empty seat next to me. She came in, walked over to right behind me, got her food and went to sit by herself. After I left she moved and sat by Doris. Just now a memory of June 22, 1966, 5:04am comes up. An accident on the New Jersey Turnpike. A large truck runs into me from behind. Lately I fantasize a lot about being rich. My business will do very well and I have much money. It is for FH. Otto asks me to join the first group! Pop! The bubble bursts and I go back to pulling weeds at 30 shillings an hour. But I spend a lot of time writing to the US about it and on the phone. A friend called a few days ago and made it an international conference call. I must write another letter soon. And I imagine visiting you in Norway. Then we go off on a business trip to Hawaii. You are my secretary. A lot of money comes from it, etc. And so my fantasy world the last few days. I have not started a new couple relationship. Today I told Bodil that if she didn't start paying more attention to me then it was over between us. Madelaine pays me a lot of attention recently. She read your letter, the part about her, and became ecstatic. So send me some letters. I stopped working 3 times today and read it twice each time. Write more often. The letters I send you are what goes in my diary. I use carbon paper so it has to be written only once. Love & kisses Richard Tuesday, June 26, 1979 letter to Tone My depression gets a little deeper and my stubbornness even more. I begin to think of myself as another Winfred. Part of it is just sitting in Pengo, reading. Too much rain for work. I found another frog with what looked like a birth defect. I will look at more of them and keep records. Eva has noticed me the last few days. This morning she asked me to give the children swimming lessons again. Another time she began speaking to me, slapped me and said it was ok to hit her. Have you practiced your swimming? Can you still do the things you learned from me? Sunday there were four of us in the bag. I was raked over the coals for an hour. The other three tried to get me in the middle. Tonite there were eleven. I am next to last. Phillip started coming again but with his old self. He didn't want to participate if he couldn't be in the first bag. Otto is just finishing another 1/2 hour analysis in the middle and I am realizing how this places stretches my imagination in every direction, stubbornness, paranoia, infantilism, horniness, fantasy, incredible dreams. Last night about Cheyenne and Adele. Today a picture of you, greatly magnified jumps into my mind. Stiffness, hysteria, existential anxiety, distorted body shape. You were like plastic-distorting and pouring out the worst of those things. And then it was gone. And the Tuna who was better than me came back. The one I liked to fuck with also. Part of me gets more and more stubborn and another feeds on it and still another part jumps up every now and the to comment on how ridiculous the whole thing is. The negative side is ahead at the moment. I imagine and hope for some magic ingredient to kick this part out. Wednesday evening. We have just seen a film about the paintings of Heronimus Bosch. Yech! Send me a map of Norway and indicate the places you will be. Robert told me today that I am much better than last place. A hard day at worlk. Shoveling and moving dirt. Making things flat for planting grass. Ebi tol me today how I isolate myself, hide behind work and don't make use of it. He said how everyone speaks about how I make things look so good. But I don't use it to improve my communication with people. During this I was given a very good German lesson. He repeated my words in German then made slight additions and changes when speaking the next sentence or two. Otto is getting more critical on the person in the middle. Ebi was very positive with me. He said I should learn German so we could work together. But on the matter of getting a computer he is a bit hysterical. He imagines that it will not be very expensive and it will do what we want as soon as we turn it on. I feel a lot of anxiety because its me that will be stuck with getting it to do things. Besides, I don't need a new job until next winter. They have a new video system here, color, camera, recorder, TV. The other day Otto said the camera should be moved around so others, Richard, etc, could be on the tape. The two bags met apart today. Klaus leads the second. He lectured about how to paint with watercolors. It was quite good. I have called him an asshole and shit-for-brains the last few days as he has been doing some stupid things. But now it has passed. I slept with Madelaine last night. She said there was something wrong when we tried to fuck - sure enough there was, and it got worse! Suzanne refuses to fuck with me. She leaves soon for the Munich group. So tell me, do you feel the urge to come back or is it a stay-there-and-do-some-thing feeling? Have you spoken with your parents? Just now I realize that my communication is better with you than most of the people here. But love and kisses anyway. Richard