Monday, January 19, 1981

Having a brand new fancy typewriter does not help.  I have been here
over a week and haven't written anything.  Not that a lot hasn't
happened.  Today I confronted Bill about his talking about me to
Simone but not directly to me.  This is nor worth writing about.
Walking to the post office for the mail.  Returning and feeling
completely disconnected from everything.  Having ideas about how I
want things to come out but don't see how to do it.  Lonely feelings.
Nobody I can trust really.  Only Simone and Linda give me a feeling of
not being alone.  They are away most of the time.  I'm very stuck
going to the post office for the mail every day.  It feels as though I
must do it.  I have to do it.  I think about how to change things so
something else happens.  I sleep until noon today.  Not that I'm
depressed, because I get up right after waking and masturbating.  A
phone call goes unanswered.  Somehow I can't capture the mood that
made it possible for me to write so much on FH.  A phone call from
Linda last night.  It makes me feel good to hear she misses me and
looks forward to seeing me again.  She tells me the story of how she
was here the night I called Dana.  They were in bed together.  She
jumped out and ran to the kitchen to listen on the extension.  She
felt a bit guilty.  It was not possible for her to do anything with
Dana after that incident.  She wrote me a letter but it didn't get
there in time.  She wanted me to hear about it from her before Dana
told me the story.  He already has.  The way he describes her is how
Simone described him when I was away.  Simone call to tell me of her
plans for the week and that she realized why she likes me so much.
Its because she enjoys being with me.  Simple.  A few days ago she
tells me of this idea she has to make things go faster.  Why not a
little newsletter describing all the things that are going on with us
and the people we know.  I remind her that this is an idea of mine
from about 4 weeks ago.  She thinks it might isolate us even more.
Its true but it will also cause people to be very interested in whats
going on.  Those who are really interested in living with us will
understand.  We had a talk with Dana the other day about some recent
problems, like his using the apartment to refinish some of his old
furniture.  The smell gets into everything.  It is resolved by having
him move things down to the Hampshire Place office.  Its also more
room.  The other things was comfort.  Last Tuesday night the dream
group met here.  It was too cold for Simone.  She wanted to raise the
temperature.  Dana wanted to keep it down to save money.  My concern
was that everyone should be comfortable.  We don't have to suffer like
a bunch of Pilgrims during our life.  Better to spend a little more
money to be comfortable.  He argues that she is not really here and so
doesn't have much say in the matter.  I say that is irrelevant.  He
sleeps with her, has an emotional relationship with her, and this is a
minor factor - that she does not technically live here.  I am eating
chocolate again.  The result of this was Simone's saying that people
talking to each other about what's going on is very important.  That
this is a good basis for building a healthy community, which she and I
both want.  We try to talk about more important things with other
people that we know.  Suddenly I feel a little bit better.  A whole
page.  Another letter from Genie Berman today.  She wrote to me almost
exactly one year ago, also from Japan.  She still thinks fondly of me
and my jokes.  Maybe, she says, I will visit sometime soon.  She goes
to Italy in the next few months.  I wrote her a mushy love letter last
year.  Something more sedate and rational this time.  A data with
Caryn Schwartz yesterday.  She called to cancel.  My mistake.  I
pushed a little too hard.  She was obviously quite stirred up by our
conversation of a few days ago.  My intuition, she said, tells me not
to do it.  She has some connection with a TORI like group.  Her
friends are in it so she goes, but does not like what goes on.  It
sounds very chaotic.  Chicken bones all over the place she says.  A
rather withdrawn, authoritarian, older man is the leader.  We talk a
lot about FH.  Maybe she will go sometime.  She has sent Gertrude some
information about Intentional Education for the school.  In the
beginning, a difficult time with Simone last night.  It was almost
one.  I go to bed.  She gets here and wants me to go to her place.  I
say no.  It is late, I'm tired, not feeling well, don't want to ride
there, go to bed, sleep, get up, get on the subway, ride back to
Cambridge.  She protests and complains, but stays.  She is withdrawn
at first, but we start talking.  She is under a lot of pressure.  Its
from work, Carol, having her other place still, Michael, her parents
this week, after a visit.  She goes away to California with Carol in
two weeks.  After a while it gets a little better.  She doesn't want
any clam juice from me tonight.  Well, maybe...  But we are too tired.
Some more rambling talk, some games, fooling around, and soon we both
feel quite good.  And so just go to sleep.  I think some more about
the CAMBRIDGE CHRONICLES.  What if we wrote several pages with
something about all the people we know, what's going on with them at
this time, make a mailing list and send it.  What would happen?  I
could send it to everyone on my Cambridge list, and put together a
list from Simone and my own directory.  Well, almost two pages!  This
is getting exciting.  But I now wonder about if I should type
everything single space.  Certainly for a newsletter.  Difficult
getting going today.  So many things to do and lots of uncertainty
about which way to go.  Edwin, while talking with him yesterday, tells
me my biggest problem is settling on one or two things to do then
putting lots of effort into it.  Instead I try to do everything of
interest to me and can't do any of them very well, at least not to my
satisfaction.  He's right.  And now I think of doing even more.
Perhaps a new full time job, and the seminars Joe has been helping me
with.  Dinner with Ron and Ellen a few days ago.  Simone thinks we may
have freaked them out talking about our various relationships.  But
they were interested, and it was more interesting than other things we
talked about.  Somehow horses came up and I was reminded of all my
adventures as a youth.  Raising Suzie from a colt, Star who we got rid
of only when my stepfather broke some of his ribs one day when the
horse went crazy, and others.  I think of trying to write about my
childhood.  Memories of lots of seminal incidents, or so the seem.  Or
some things I don't remember, but my mother and grandmother tell me
of.  The end of the 2nd page.

Maybe I should go visit my grandparents in Florida.  They can tell me
a lot about my early years.  I have heard lots of stories already.
Record it or maybe even videotape the event.  I begin to feel a bit
teary eyed.  Dana and I speak a little about our childhoods.  He did
not like having so many brothers and sisters.  It was not a good time
for him.  My mind flashes over many incidents of extreme feeling from
when I was a little boy.  Visiting friends of my father.  He talks
about my being so withdrawn, and how my sister gets along much better,
and quicker.  The earliest memories I have of living in a trailer,
West of Cody, looking out the window, having the measles.  A vague
memory of a communal bathing place with males and females together.
But I think this must be a creation of mine.  I can't imagine that
such a thing really happened in Cody, Wyoming, sometime around 1950.
Saturday, two days ago, Porter Square shopping center, a bookstore.  I
see Sandy Margolin.  First time in years.  I feel a little excited.
Should I say anything, or pretend not to.  Then I glance to the side
and see some books by Jerzy Kosinski.  Spend a little time looking at
the covers.  Finally the nerve.  Do you read that sort of thing, I
comment about the book she is holding.  Hello she says, long time no
see.  Last she had heard of me was that I'm in some religious group.
Funny how rumors get turned upside down.  I mean how rumors are
reality turned upside down.  No, it was a free sexuality group.  But
its a lot different now.  At first I thought she was referring to the
Mormon Church, from which I had been excommunicated in 1973.  Not
that.  We talk about Jessie, David, and what she is doing.  Living on
Eustis Street, divorced from David, shared custody, a new boyfriend.
Had been working as an editor.  We say nothing about Cheyenne or
Adele.  I speculate about how much of this will get back to her.
Briefly talk about how I may write this book about myself, but having
problems getting started.  She has to go.

Tuesday, January 20, 1981

A sinking feeling, desperate, on my way to the post office.  Will I
ever get out of this rut?  Will I keep churning my wheels and getting
nowhere?  A feeling that time is going too fast for, of being left
behind again.  I think of how to change the situation.  Last night
late to bed.  Simone and I talk about her moving in.  She talks about
"our" room.  I want my own room.  She wants to share one.  A struggle.
Tensions.  She argues that we will have to share a room only
temporarily, until we get a bigger place.  I think she has just made
up this rationalization.  She knows its true, but in the beginning
denies it.  She spent some time in a bar with Tom Howard last night.
He didn't want her to call and tell me they were there.  He thought I
would come over, as its nearby.  He wanted to be alone with her.  He
is still thinking about an affair, also divorce.  Debbie is too boring
for him.  But he needs a stable, reliable person like her.  He bet
Simone $5 that I would come to the bar.  She won.  Later she, Dana,
and I are talking about this and other things.  They plan to give
these courses, but the ad is wrong, and their mailing list is not
ready.  I get frustrated and push on them to do something.  Perhaps
frustration with my own inability to get moving on some things.
Another dream about airplanes last night.  Also about a horse we had
in Wyoming.  I walk to the train station with Simone and tell her my
idea about common ownership of some property, like a house.  She is
negative.  Her last experience with such a group living situation did
not work out so well.  Too many big ideas and not enough attention to
little details.  She's right, but I keep leaping ahead to what might
be.  Last night's bed conversation turns for just a moment to sleeping
with other people in our common house.  It gets a little tense.  I
mention Dana.  He's not sleeping with me now, she says.  He can't
manage it when I'm there.  Better to let this one pass, and not push
on it.  Two days in a row of writing something!  I am getting all
excited about the seminar and have asked Joe to help me develop the
written material.  He agrees, while speaking to him in Harvard Square.

Thursday, January 22, 1981

Last night a surprise from Dana. He suggests we have an SD evening. He
has been reading my notes from when I was first on FH. It seems he has
been doing that every time I see him, for the last 3 days. At one time
he told Simone they were boring. She tells me he enjoys talking
together but it is more comfortable when she is there. We spoke for
some time about being in love, just the two of us. Me and Dana. It was
the most real conversation I have ever had with just him. Mostly its
about the weather, furniture, this or that trivial thing. He seems
quite interested in the SD. That it is a very powerful thing for
discovering ones weaknesses and strengths. I tell him how a weakness
disappears the moment you show it.  How difficult it is to be open to
people, to love them. I can't recapture the mood. This is a completely
intellectual description of it. Why do I write? This is something I
asked myself two days ago. For one, to become a better write, second,
to get another picture of myself. Third is something like research. To
discover some new ideas and pictures of life.  But also to solve some
practical problems in life. Like how to write every day about what's
going on. How to be more steady in the things I do. How to enjoy what
I do. Writing has become very enjoyable these last few days. Its a
real thrill to be able to pour this stuff out in some way. Not that it
satisfies me, but when I think about the times past when trying to
keep a diary and how naive the writing was ... Maybe I will try to dig
some of that up. I also have the idea to put some other things, like
pictures, poems, drawings, in the book about me - if it ever comes to
that. Otto's green lady. Maybe in color. Some of the drawings by Regi.
Donald Faugno has just called from Sturbridge. I did not go today
because of not feeling well and having so much work to do. It made me
a little nervous. The job interview yesterday was interesting, but not
enough to give up more than 40 hours a week for $25,000 a year. The
interviewer suggested some other frindge benefits but I don't think
so. In any case, I will go visit the school tomorrow and have a closer
look at things. A teaching job still interests me, and there are other
possibilities. My body starts to fail me in some more little ways. I
think again about doing some exercise. It is like everything else, a
lot of momentum to just keep doing the things I am doing now. Its so
difficult to just make a phone call to get it started. So I have just
called about where to get mats for exercising on. They may be too
expensive for now. Today I wiI1 look for some smaller and cheaper
versions. Temporary. Also, to get a tape recorder for playing music.
And some Canned Heat music. I found that to have the best tempo. I am
having trouble getting to the events of last night. Jealousy. To put
it in a word. It started with a phone call from Linda. She was on the
other line. I could tell right away from her voice that something was
up. She switched back to the other line and seemed to drag it out.
Dana noticed it also. Then I switched back to Linda. Until that time
she was not feeling well and was going to just stay here. m en she
decided to go stay with Michael, as she had originally planned.
Before leaving she jokingly said maybe the four of us should do
something together. Me, her, Michael, and Linda. Have dinner, and then
later sleep together. She suggested that Linda would be just perfect
for Michael because they have a similar "problem". I begin to feel
jealous. But very mild. It comes and goes in waves. One moment
desperation. The next its ok. Abandonment. A sinking feeling. Out of
control. She starts to get a distant edge to her voice and behavior.
Her contact with me becomes stiffer. Less eye contact. Even a goodbye
kiss is more formal. I go to the office. She - calls me. Something is
up. She has to confront me about the telephone incident. Points out to
me that I kept her waiting once when she called long distance.  And
another thing that escapes me now. The feeling is back. I try some
tricks to keep her on the phone and away from Michael. He doesn't want
to speak to me. It reminds me of the tricks with Regi on FH. Whenever
she slept with another man I would try all sorts of things to disrupt
it or get the attention of everyone, or just do most anything to fight
off the feelings of panic and tension. Sometimes I would attack them
with a pillow, try to force myself between them. All sorts of
confusion and time consuming ploys. Anything to drag out the moment
she would be totally involved with "him". Here its a little different.
Everyone tries to arrange the situation so those feelings don't come
up. Its called an open relationship. But in fact it is closed to the
sort of feelings that are created by the situation. What one doesn't
know won't make you jealous. Michael seems to be putting himself more
into the Competition for her. He wants to arrange more time with her.
I will have to work harder. She says he knows exactly what to do to
get more of her. I think she uses the ambiguous situation of her
moving in with me as a means to get him to come after her. She still
has her doubts about me. Even while saying that I am afraid to get
close to her. She still believes it is necessary to decide absolutely
on one of us. That once married she will suddenly not have the same
feelings about the other. And of course I am still not convinced of
her proclamations of undying love for me. She has doubts, every day,
just like me. The only problem is her idea that she must decide on one
of us eventually. She was having a difficult time on the phone last
night. My tricks were getting to her. I noticed that the way she tried
to get distance from me had more than one quality. One thing would
fail as I chip away at her, and so she tries a different tack. But
still some subtle difference that is difficult to put in words. A
definite feeling. The feeling was that this person is trying to avoid
contact with me, I know it. It was an unmistakable sensation, but done
in several different ways. Its so IMPOSSIBLE to describe this' Very
Frustrating. To be able to do this would be like solving an
existential puzzle, a life paradox. It eludes me. A mirage. I look in
the wrong place? Where to look? I sit here pondering this like a
mathematics puzzle. But it holds my attention quite unlike any math
problem I've ever done. Am I the mirage? Is she the mirage? Not the
person, but rather the feelings evoked. Maybe the place to look is
reality. How trite. But I think if there really were more people and
we had a group living situation then 	But I imagine that everyone
will really be dedicated to doing something about their difficulties.
From experience I know this isn't so. Its true of me. I avoid these
difficulties by being stubborn, and show that stubborness is one of my
difficulties. Most people will make excuses to avoid their feelings.
Even Simone, who is one of the best people I have found here, will do
this when it comes to jealousy. Others insist they are not comfortable
and so it your fault, and leave. m They can't stand the way they feel.
that's not what I want to do at this point in my life." But why do I
suddenly get so tense and angry when someone says this? Its the same
for me. I don't want to confront my- self now either. When I get so
mad at someone being closed up. NO. Forget that.  What do I mean? I
see someone being really stupid, saying something like its not for me
now. Suddenly, without any conscious effort, I get enraged. They don't
want to have any contact with me. I can't stand this. On the surface
they may be perfectly calm. The explanation may be perfectly calm. But
I am boiling.  It almost overwhelms me. I stay calm. Try to think of a
clever reply. But mostly being so mad jumbles everything around and I
can't make any sense. I take it as a personal rejection. I don't
understand on an emotional level that it is someone else's problem. It
has nothing to do with me. I think of the many times people have had
this sort of reaction to me. Of course it felt like I was being
personally rejected. They were rejecting me, in a sense. But sometimes
I am so crazy, or push to hard, that it is the most sensible thing to
do. This is always so uncomfortable.  I have a warm feeling in my
face. Almost like feeling a bit ashamed of myself. It often happens
when I think of times my behavior turned people off to me.  It is
usually obvious afterward what I did wrong. How I shouldn't have said
this, or how I pushed to hard on something. How to avoid this
rejection inducing behavior? It obviously needs to be avoided at the
moment it happens. A stupidly obvious statement. Well, it is almost
2pm and I am feeling quite satisfied about the amount I have written.
Like a communist quota system. A silly thing, I suppose, but not bad
when I think about how blocked the last week has been. The second hand
on the clock sweeps around and seems to go faster, then slower. But it
seems really to be getting slower. Maybe it is just me. The body is
not working right the last few weeks. Yesterday I had the impression
of cancer. Not in one place, but pervasive.  Something feels wrong.
Not enough exercise. Not enough regularity. Not enough of the right
foods. I feel the need to push myself but not to the point where life
is uncomfortable. I have done that too many times in the past. Try to
push in a direction where things are enjoyable. Finished.

Sunday, January 25, 1981

Its getting hard to write again. The other day I was thinking, Hey,
what if I become a famous writer, and someone is reading this in the
far future? What would I say to such a person? You stupid shit' Forget
it and go do something. But I have these what-if,
in-the-future-dreams, often.  Why? Always hoping something I want will
con. about. Today I was thinking how everything seems to he going
well. My relationships are holding together. It looks like more people
will be living here. Linda wants to live here if she decides to leave
art school. But its not solid. Everyone is still subject to being
nudged by too much feeling and going off by themselves. Only Simone
seems determined enough about what she wants to put up with present
and probable future difficulties. Can I say my believing there will be
future difficulties cause them to be created? So I get excited about
the present and fail to see the situation as it really is, and then
expect the worst of the future. Simone has just read these notes. She
freaks out at the possibility of Linda living with us. She wants to
"confront that asshole about hanging up the telephone on me". It is
only her jealousy. She becomes loud and vicious. Incredible tension.
She is afraid of being abandoned, rejected. She has no distance to the
feeling. She lets it eat her alive. Its gets a little calmer. Dana
likes the idea that she thinks enough of us to want to live with us.
He thinks it quite complimentary. But I have a very nervous feeling.
She continues to be confrontational.  Accuses me of being incapable of
having an intimate couple relationship. I remind her of others who
reject her and how it is related to smothering. By her. My face feels
very warm. My hands are quite cold. Shaking a little bit all over.
Feeling hyper. I hide the scissors in my room. She has picked up
weapons and thrown things at me before. Dana says he wants to leave
and go to the movie. Tell me about it later, he says. We convince him
to stay. He is a part of this. I play a joke about going to the movies
with Dana. Leaving Simone here alone with Linda. She says I am afraid
to go and leave her with Linda. I go to my room and write this. She
can call me if she wants. It seems Linda is here. I continue to type.
She can get me if necessary. It seems I get a little more nervous.
Didn't I say that already? But now I wonder what's going on in there?
I hear just a little bit of someone talking. How can I keep my mind on
another topic? Can't. Do I hear them talking or not? Now I hear
something.  Not clear. But something. Everything is washed away. Not a
thing else comes up for me. I leave the two combatants to battle it
out. What if this happens every time someone new moves in with us? How
would it go with Judy Levy? Jeannette Tremblay? Michael Jaro? Simone
always asks me what it would be like if Michael moved in. Wouldn't you
feel jealous, she asks.  Yes, but it wouldn't be so bad that I would
start thinking of reasons why not to or why he should leave. What is
this warm feeling in my face? Its like a constant feeling of being
embarrassed. But not really. Its also fear. I can hear more talking.
It seems to be a bit louder. I open the door and listen. Linda is
getting the better of the situation. She understands there may be
problems, but she hasn't decided to move in, its only speculation. We
will have to wait and see, she says. Should I decide to move in, then
I'll have to spend time to get to know you better, she says. But now I
want to spend what little time left today with Richard.  I'd like to
spend some time just with you Simone, but not now. Another time. She
comes to me in my room. I tell her she won this one. The score is now
tied one to one. She has forgotten about the last interaction she had
with Simone. She is very sassy with me. I see another, more assertive,
self-knowledgeable, side of her. She wants to fuck and takes my
clothers off. We are under the covers. Simone enters, I'll see you
later this evening, she says, and slams the door. It amuses me. Linda
thinks it rude.  In the beginning its difficult to get an erection.
The tension from the situation is still in me. We talk while fucking.
Then I come into her from behind. It is one of the best times we have
had together. It seems as though I have gotten over a hurdle and
something, once bound up inside me, has come unstuck. Linda says she
has learned a lot from her relationship with me. Today I learned a lot
about her. But she jumps up right away and is gone. She takes same of
my FH notes to read. I will go to visit her next weekend. Simone will
be on her way to California.

On the one hand I imagine myself orchestrating the whole situation.
That I am in command, and know exactly what to do next. But mostly
things are just developing. I have an idea about what things might be
like, then make little experiments to see if it can be created. But
the situation could reverse very rapidly. Its happened to me before.
Sometimes I imagine that, like Otto, I've found my Claudia, Teresa,
and Eva. But there isn't so much difference between me and them, as
there is between Otto and the others. Mostly it is my imagination that
I'm like him or capable of what he's done. On the other hand things
have not fallen apart. Simone probably will survive this incident.
Dana tells me her interrupting was from trying to figure out what sort
of "Richard Gardner trick" I'd try at a time like this. She almost
pulled it off but the door slaming gave her away. I was only amused.
Now she will probably think of trying something like this. Maybe I
will come over and she will be in bed with another man. Like a poker
game. But we learn a lot of important things with every new hand we
play. She could make a date with me and then cancel at the last
moment. Or maybe start introducing me to a lot of her other men
friends. Or change her behavior so Michael is more comfortable and
wants to spend more time with her. Maybe go away on that vacation he
suggested to her just recently. Or maybe just make lots more dates
with other men. The next chapter should be exciting. Don't you think
so? In the beginning it was a heated argument with lots of emotions
coming out. In time it settled down. The world did not end. We have
experienced a new threshhold of ourselves, and learned that it is not
so bad. I may have to face this situation again, but once done it
really feels behind me.

Monday, January 26, 1981

No, its not really behind me. A day of arguing inside my head. Walking
along, head down, feet scraping, having fights with Simone, countering
every argument she tries against me. Catching myself wrapped up in it.
Cursing at myself for falling into this old pattern. When, I ask, will
it be possible to just live and enjoy myself. And not have to fight
against everything. She blackmails me and threatens to go to another
man. What is the clever argument she uses? She threatens to leave me
before I get a chance to leave her. I am inclined to say go ahead. But
she can leave any time she wants. Nothing holds her back but herself.

Tuesday, January 27, 1981

More arguing in bed with Simone last night. The same old stuff. Who's
ahead of who. Who did what, when, and where, to whom. It goes on and
on.  What is it about? I can never remember. Nothing of importance.
But I had to do something to end the rather nasty circle of blame and
counter-blame we were in. At first I just told her to go home, get out
of here. Then I pushed her a little. She resisted, not wanting to
really go. Then I just decide to turn my back and be quiet. To stop
fighting with her and say nothing. She goes on. I tell her to shutup
and go to sleep. Then the whole mood changes. She starts to cry and
tell me how love is more important to her than what goes on now. I
surrender also, turn to hold her and talk. She says that wanting to be
loved, and her fear of rejection has created a lot of difficulties for
her. And there was more, but the mood was totally different. We were
not struggling against each other. The voice and words were softer and
more genuine. It was much better than lying there, on our backs,
staring at the ceiling, feeling tense, hitting back at each other with
past pasties, accusations, meanness, and all the other things that
people say to the other when they hate, and want to come out ahead,
and feel superior, and self-righteous.  Its still in me. Today, more
fights inside my head. It carries me away. A life filled with
imaginary fights, and imaginary victories, and tension, and no real
resolution. I get knocked off my feet so easily by these past events.
Not enough satisfaction now? Not enough security now? I give in to
this mood and feel like crying. A lump in my throat, and a dam at my
eyes stops it. Suddenly I am thinking about Otto and the time he was
on TV with Eva and the moderator bit her finger. I saw it in Der
Speigel about two and one-half years ago. Rudiger and Virginia were
staying with me at Hampshire Place. He was very sick and Virginia and
I did all the work. I am a bit paralized at the moment. So much work
to do, and so many projects I want to get going. I've just talked with
Simone on the phone. Something is still between us. I could feel l it
jump up from time to time as we spoke.  A little thing would set me
off or some thing I say upsets her. It gets a little tense. Mostly we
drop it. There is a new sort of defensiveness about her attitude
toward me. A little cooler. A little more matter of fact. A little
more definite. A little sharper. A feeling that she is putting a
subtle form of distance between us. She still sees it as my having
hurt her. With no indication of her understanding that it was just
something that I wanted. It is only a game, a trick, played on her.
It was not something real.  We didn't really want to do what we did.
It was only to get at her. I point out how Michael is showing more
interest in her. That she is threatening to leave me before I have a
chance to reject her. She hasn't done that for some time.  Her stern
voice warns me of other consequences if I continue on the same track.
You don't understand yet, do you, she says. But it is perfectly clear.
She doesn't want to have it any other way. She wants things arranged
so it won't happen again.  At just this moment I feel a shifting in my
attitude toward her. One of not really caring what she thinks. A
willingness to take my chances. A strange thing.  At the moment it
doesn't matter if she stays or goes away. A new feeling about her. A
small, insecure, petty, nasty, conniving baby. Willing to throw away
anything to avoid those feelings. I will be brutal and give her
another chance to chuck it!  Then it is a question of should I plan
something or just let it happen? But not I start to soften a bit. Why
do it anyway? I just don't want to live like this, to have to think
every moment about who might be bothered by what I do. Then I imagine
we are living together, and she doesn't want Linda there. A plot to
find another place, with Linda, and then move. They would not know
anything till the day it was to happen. People are so easy to deceive.
Only by revealing everything can one avoid being deceived. Last night
she told me the story of Renee and Gary.  They are or have been, under
the impression that I am related to the Gardners of the Isabella
Stewart Gardner Museum. I have told them about the private quarters in
the Museum that are available to members of the family. Also, that
someday Simone and I would go there with them. A few days ago they
went looking for the private quarters and asked several people there
about me. Nobody knew anything. The workers there said the person who
said these things must be psychotic. Renee came to Simone yesterday
with some very bad news. It was that I had deceived her about my
relationship to the Museum. She told Renee the truth today. Renee was
pissed and said it made her look like a fool. She was a fool. Its so
easy. I noticed a flushed, hot feeling in my face. I get it when
something makes me mad and then I hold back. Its like holding down
something that wants to explode. My hands are quite cold in
comparison. Sunday evening I was having fearful fantasies about
Simone. That she would attack me. It would happen very suddenly. I
kept looking over my shoulder for her. One thing that has not really
come out in the open, but something she keeps hinting at, and never
saying directly. Namely, she doesn't want IT to happen again. She has
not asked me straight out. Should I be brutal and say I won't stop it
from happening again, or lie and say, or waffle, about its happening
again? I'm sure the possibility will present itself again. What should
I do? See if its ok to enjoy myself? I don't know how to say this. Its
getting to be like a well thought out plan that will go awry on the
first step. No, even thinking of the plan is the first wrong step.
Very strange how my face is so hot. How do I tell the difference from
fantasies that arise naturally, spontaneously, and those that I
willfully create? The latter are not nearly so interesting as the
former. Reading about John O'Hara yesterday.  If I become a famous and
rich writer will I also gets lots of sex? I certainly find it pushing
me on, trying to write better. But this fantasy is different from
others about being famous and getting lots of women. Its more
realistic. Or so it seems to me. How so, the reader asks. I don't know
exactly, but probably women would get fixated on me as a character,
and not because of something like money. Does that make sense? How do
ideas like this get into people in the first place?

Wednesday, January 28, 1981

Feelin fragile - the opposite of feelin groovy. I have been nervous
much of the day. There is still something in the air with me and
Simone. We talk about something that has happened and she thinks some
sort of resolution or solution has come from this. But the problem
with Linda is still there. Its as though she is hoping I will change
somehow. That the pressure and threats of leaving will bring me
around. Stu has asked her to marry him again. He won't see her again
if she continues to live with me.  I've said I don't need someone who
would leave me to be with him. It seems like a little joke. I watch
the clock. Its not plugged in but the second hand seems to jump ahead.
Time being thrown away, wasted. Last night a two hour, 11:30 to
1:30am, conversation with Susan Parker. Someone who knows Joe. We
talked about couple relationships and FH. I asked her about coming
over with a bag of potato chips. Fine, she said, if you had asked an
hour ago. She must be at work by 7 or so. But I spoke with her this
evening and we have a date for next Tuesday, February 3. She said how
about tomorrow, but I'll be out of town. A sinking feeling when she
says she can't see me till then. I am churning and spinning my
emotional wheels again. I am jealous of Joe who was at her house, for
a meeting. Nietzsche: The consequences of our actions take hold of us,
quite indifferent to our claim that meanwhile we have improved. The
results of our behavior ruin our lives, and doesn't care about our
saying that we have grown a lot.  what faces he might be making at
today's human potential movement. And when will I realize my
potential? When will I be more positive about myself and when will my
self be more I? That Nietzsche writes so good. So many interesting
ideas, such good paragraphs. And I struggle to describe my own
condition. Incredibly hungry today. Again. What can I point to today
as a gain, again? When was the last time?

Thursday, January 29, 1981

Mush. Everything feels like mush today. Can't tell one thing from
another.  Thinking about lots of things but can't remember much. Last
night with Dana and Simone. We sit on his bed and talk for an hour or
so. He and I were talking alone. About the tension between Simone and
I over Sundays events.  It made me nervous and hungry the whole day.
An uneventful day teaching in Sturbridge. Boring bus ride there.
Boring bus ride back. Simone is at Donna's for her dream group.
Michael has decided to join. She will not say what her plans for the
evening are. Who will she stay with? I sense a bit of getting even in
her voice. Anyway, remoteness. Her last day at work. A visit to the
doctor about vaginal bleeding. Its stopped. At first she doesn't want
to talk about something I ask her, I've got to get back to the group,
she says. Then she starts about the visit to the doctor and her
therapist and goes on at some length. Maybe I will try to make another
date for tonite. Call Judy but no answer. The dream group was talking
about me when I called. Last night was two or more hours with Simone.
She also notices the tension between us. She still wants it her way.
Tells me how she is better than Linda, has been more reliable, how
fucked up she was to have had an emotional breakdown last spring.
Tells me the whole story of how she fell in love with me. It goes back
and forth. Fighting and loving. Talking and arguing. A one point she
shouts at me, Michael is a better lover' But none of these things seem
to bother me like they did on Sunday. I don't feel caught up, wrapped
in knots. I a only tell her that I can't agree to any sort of
limitations on my relationship with Linda, or anyone else. She cries a
lot. I comfort her. In the beginning we were both horny. She was very
dry. She noticed how closed she felt. It got better. We were fucking
but she was not wet at all. Saturday, January 31, 1981 I don't want to
leave you, but I have to, says Simone one tear filled night. Tears l
and thoughts of leaving. The story of this week. And catastrophe.
Simone fainted getting out of her car while going to the dentist.
Blood pressure much too low, and still constipated. She wants me to
talk to her dentist.  She is half an hour late meeting Ellen and me in
Harvard Square. We get worried. I imagine she may have fainted again
and decide to go ask the police if such an incident has been reported.
But, no, I meet her at the bank entrance. Later that night she is an
hour late to her house for a party. Again I, and Dana, am worried.
Later, five of us are lying on her bed. Me, Simone, Dana, Lois, and
Carol. Some idle conversation leads to me saying something about her
health. That I also have second thoughts about living with her. Do I
want to be a nursemaid to someone who will be dead of multiple causes
by age 35. She gets extremely offended. Enraged, she accuses me of
always criticizing her. Jumps up and goes to run downstairs.  Then,
another surprise from Dana. He say the same, telling her that fainting
on the street and being late is not good for her or us. I feel better
it is out. We talk about it and she comes to lie beside me once more.
All this was yesterday. I have to stop and think to write this. It
doesn't pour out of me anymore. I sit here thinking over the day, what
has happened, how I felt, and its all a jumble. A sense of panic today
about ever being able to make anything of my life other than a series
of events that might one day come to be seen as historically
interesting. Perhaps to someone reading about me, or someone trying to
write about me. The great pretender. Fantasies about being a great
writer. I can't write in a month what some do in a day. It preoccupies
me the greater part of some days.  Last night reading about someone
else's life, a good writer, one who tells a good, well organized
story. But it is about trying to make some sense of all the things he
has done in his life, and the people he identifies with.  How so many
of them decided not to have children, or only one or two. He has one
and thinks about the one he might have had but for an abortion. I have
had this twice. But what is this feeling I have about what he says.
That his life was different from most of the people around him, but my
impression is that he has the same regrets and sadness, but only
because he didn't manage to change the rest of the world a little
more. Giving up his own life at times to save the rest of the world.
My attitude has been the for much of my life, when thinking about it.
Trying to do some good, and one disaster and catastrophe after another
creeps up and grabs me. They start out like little things.  Not so
important that it has to get in the way of the good deeds I'm doing.
But it gets bigger with time. Once started it has never gone away.
Then it starts to influence the important work. Time after time.
Always these personal things do it. Why isn't it possible to create a
more stable personal situation? I call Linda in NYC about visiting
this weekend. She is very distant and under the surface quite
disappointed in me. You should have called me earlier in the week, she
says. Someone else is coming to visit me. And so my relationship with
her takes a turn for the worse. All from not making an earlier phone
call. I call Judy, but she is now more distant. Doesn't think I'll be
interested in a party with people from her work place. I'll call you
back, she says. But I don't feel its true. But things are much better
with Simone. In spite of half the people at last nights party saying
she should leave me. Some odd behavior by people there last night. A
strange friend of George Ferrar's didn't want to leave at three this
morning. Three of the men who were just leaving escorted him away. He
wouldn't go when Simone asked him. George was a bit fixated, and maybe
jealous about the short blurb written about me in the latest issue of
the Whole Earth Times. He mentioned it some three times that evening.
I have just wondered if the mood was from what Simone has been telling
everyone about the situation of last Sunday. Dana was in a pickle. He
wanted to go home with Ann. She was a bit cool to the idea, but he
kept trying. Finally Lois came around and stuck herself between the
two of them.  It seemed as though he was guarding Dana. If I can't
have you tonight, then nobody gets you' This would effectively put an
end to Dana trying to get Ann, and at the same time lead him to resent
Lois. She talked to me for some time, left for the bathroom, and never
returned. I have some difficulty engaging in natural conversation with
her. She seems always on the defensive. I spoke about how it seems
others are able to deceive her about their real intentions, but not
me. Its as though she doesn't want to see anything from me as being
direct and straightforward. She seems quite content to indulge her
romantic fantasies with Dana, and know nothing about what's really
going on with him, or not to face any of these things. It is doubtful
she will ever talk with him about her guard duty of last night.  But
I'm not going to be able to fool her, no siree. Do I sense a little
bit of resentment in my words at not being able to win her over?
Surely not from me' She needs someone not so adventuresome, who
doesn't try too much.  But Dana is getting to be less and less that
sort of person. He talks more and more openly about himself. From time
to time he inserts some new piece of information in a fairly uniform
type of conversation that we have.  Lately a lot of talk about sex and
how he wants to try more things. He met Kathy for the first time
yesterday. I liked her look, he says. She may be looking for someone
new shortly. An interesting observation about Simone from m m the last
week. It has to do with her behavior with me when we are in bed. She
always likes to suck on my prick. Not once so far this week.  She
kissed me there this afternoon after we fucked. But that's it. Such a
thing hasn't happened before. Its because I'm still upset with you,
she says. She has also spent more days with Michael this week than
normal. She can't get over it. Linda is like some disembodied person
for her. I heard the story about that woman, as Carol described her
this after noon. Simone and Linda have said the same thing about
leaving me. I don't want to but I have to.  Her (Simone) therapist
asks her why she has to make a decision now. Why is everything so
black and white. Linda at least treats Simone as a person with same
dimensions. She admits that its possible for her to have a real loving
relationship with me. Not so with Simone. She wants to see everything
about it as a bad joke or trick on her. All this while Michael and I
are in her car and she talks about the two men she loves' But it is
not possible for me to have such a situation. But maybe I get
resentful again. Tell me, dear reader, do you notice this also? By the
way, what interesting things have you done for yourself today? Or have
you only had thoughts of such things? Only fantasies? Do you want to
live with a group of people, to be free of jealousy, free of fear,
free of being rejected, fear of not being loved? What are you doing
about it? Are you the sort of person that other people want to be
with? Do you make their life interesting and satisfying? Why not? What
crazy things did you do today that caused someone to run away?
Selfish? Asked for more than you can give?  Well, I'd want to get away
from you to. Forget to call and say hello? Well, I wouldn't want to
see you either. Pushed somebody to hard to accept more than they are
able? Well, I'd think you were an asshole too.