To: "Richard Gardner" Date: Wed, 01 Oct 1997 01:02:12 -0700 From: "cheyenne Subject: cheyenne Surprise! Today is my second day as an e-mail person. I guess computer saavy is not hereditary. Anyhoo... found your e-mail address on the internet [also a recent discovery (so that's what everyone is talking about!)]and I figured-fuck it-why not drop the guy a note (this is all assuming I can actually figure out how to send this). Where to go and what to say from here? Your guess is as good as mine, and it's your turn. To: "rg" Date: Tue, 07 Oct 1997 21:01:17 -0700 From: "cheyenne Subject: Fwd: answers That was the first letter I've ever gotten via e-mail. Sorry about the heart attack, catheters etc. I was a bit impulsive I guess. Oops about Grandma. We have a pretty standard exchange about twice a year-lovely, but standard. She sends a card, I sent a "Thank you". Perhaps I did not recieve her card this year and thus did not thank her. It is however, an oversight on my part that I did not notice the absence of her correspondance. Enough said, I'll get right on that. As for me. I am living back in Los Angeles after a couple years of "travel". After teaching I lived in Washington state, Indiana, Boston, and now here. I needed a break after teaching but have now exhausted my lazy bone (if that's possible). I've been hear two months or so working as Ben's (yes-same Ben you met)assistant on a movie he is doing. But I am looking for a job in social work and applying for my MSW for next September. I have a dog too "FOUNDOG," but I don't know the first thing about putting pics on computer. The family is okay. Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital lately for heart/anxiety issues. Grandma is exceptionally well for almost 80. Mom is leaving today for a two month cross-country trip and may stop by the city of angels. Ben is doing well although he's not official "family." He is working a lot and receiving critical acclaim-two things which seem hard to come by in this town. So that is good. Your turn. Cheyenne Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 22:10:37 -0700 From: "cheyenne Subject: serious letter To: "rg" Date: Wed, 22 Oct 1997 00:06:16 -0700 From: "cheyenne Subject: Hello? Hello? Cheyenne To: "cheyenne Subject: Re: Hello? Date: Fri, 24 Oct 1997 02:55:20 EDT From: " On the Internet nobody knows if you're a Turing Machine." Ouch! (the sound heard just after a number of people kicked me in the behind for not responding quicker to your serious letter) > To: "rgardner" > Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 22:48:38 -0700 > From: "cheyenne > Subject: Fwd: serious letter > > Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you. A few days ago I > composed a pretty serious, well thought out letter to you and managed > to erase it before sending it. You are welcome to rewrite that serious letter, or another one, and send it to me again. Well, "taking so long to get back to you", it turns out, does run in families. Although, in this case, it started with me. Everyone else in the family gets back in a much more timely manner. Actually, I thought my remarks to your first two messages might have been a bit sharp and caused you to reconsider further correspondence. > I was rather frustrated and thus have not mustered the gumption to > write again until now. The main point of the letter, I think, was > that your letter seemed rather short. Well, I can make up a number of dubious explanations as to why my letter seemed so short, but if I carry on too long about it, then this letter won't be rather short. But there are three explanations I can think of off the top of my head. I leave it as an exercise for you to come up with three, or more, of your own. "mustered the gumption" -- are you an old fashioned type? > I was wondering if you are ambivalent about corresponding with me. > Perhaps I read too much (or too little) into an e-mail, but I'm > honestly curious. Yes, there is probably some ambivalence. On the other hand there is the thrill of rediscovering the person that you have become. > I'd be lyingif I said I wasn't unsure about contacting you. I feel > you owe me nothing, but hope at least, for honesty. I have done quite > well with only your DNA (or so all my psychiatrists tell me-ha ha) and > will continue to do so. I say this without any resentment whatsoever. It is understandable that you might be unsure of contacting me. After all, I am a big bad booger man! I've always told people that if your got your mother's brains and my looks, you'd do ok. Or was it the other way around? > I never felt the loss of you because I never had you. In addition, I > never felt strange about not having you around because I grew up with > many friends with similar backgrounds etc. I occationally asked It wasn't the same for me. You and I spent most of nearly every day together for 1 and a half years. We went everywhere together. You mother had a much less flexible schedule and situation than mine. I'd carry you on my chest, facing me, while you slept. Then, on waking, you want to turn around so you could see where we were going. Later, when you got heavier, you followed me in a backpack. There was also, for nearly a year, this orange circle of cloth with something like an accordian pleated pouch. I'd hold it up and show it to you, and say, wanna go for a ride? That would set off a series of what could only be described as baby earthquakes, convulsions, till you were in the pouch, on my hip, the sling part around my opposite shoulder, arm around you, you grabbing my arm, looking out at the world... and away we would go. Sammi often went with us. Late one night, maybe just before midnight, I was on my way out to the post office, just around the corner. You went with me in the orange pouch. Sammi too. We walked by a bar, the Rolling Stone, I think, on Cambridge Street, in Cambridge. Dumped the mail in a box, and walking back... Suddenly, the doors to the bar flew open and people started swarming out into the street. Some of them went across the street and got some trash items and bottles. A bar fight was starting, and, just our luck, we got there right on time for the festivities! Well, there's also the time we went to visit Charlie in his Tech Square office. It was during that visit I became convinced you had some of my genes. Perhaps you would like to hear that story. > questions about you to which my mother always responded honestly and > diplomatically, but I can't say I ever yearned for the presence of you > anymore than I yearned for the presence of "Aunt Ellie" (I don't have Yes, I have yearned for you over the years. But it was always for the child version of you. One can't of course, go back. But I had that feeling anyway, all of these years. > an aunt Ellie). I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, it certainly > isn't meant too. So why am I writing now? I'm not really sure. It's > not only because I'm over-zealous about my first e-mail account. I > can only assume that after 25 years I am yearning for something. For > now, I think it's just curiousity about the "other half" of my gene > pool. But not just for my scientific interest in nature vs. nurture > (although I'm sure I'd find some interesting answers in that area if > we continue to dialog.) You may have quite a bit of my DNA if such things as the way one phrases things, or even talks about genes, are sent to us via that mechanism. For some time this has been of great interest to me. It was in the early 70', at MIT, that someone started treating genes as building blocks to be taken apart and recombined. You will be able to find an essay by me on where I think conversation, philosophical discussion, etc, will be headed in the next 10 to 50 years. Here's the URL for where the essays are located, and the gene essay should be obvious: http://rtuh.com/rlg/essays > I said this in a previous letter to you, and I'll say it again. I > respect your limitations in terms of our potential, and I hope you > will respect mine. I for one am comfortable as e-mail pals for now. > Let me know how you feel... Like me, I see that, sometimes, you try to be careful about what you say. It will also be interesting to see if you can also be not so careful. Yeah, that could be some more of my genes. People around these parts tell me you are welcome to visit us here any time you want. Erika, Cynthia's daughter, will be here from December 20 to January 10. Here's a picture of some of those people: http://rtuh.com/rlg/photos/sfw/19970608/09348_25.jpg And, as you can clearly see, they are all perfectly normal. And, finally, about your learning to use that new email account, I got two copies of your last message, and the message was in each of those emails twice. Let me suggest HOTMAIL.COM as a superior alternative. Its also free and, I think, better organized. Oh, and what is the picture Ben's working on? > Sincerely, Cheyenne Yours, Richard To: "rgardner" Date: Sun, 26 Oct 1997 01:54:35 -0700 From: "cheyenne Subject: 1/2 serious, 1/2 not Those things you described about the first year and a half of my life, I wish I remembered them. Why, if you remember tham with such fondness, did times like that stop? I know the technical history because my mother gave me all the court documents, transcripts, correspondance etc. But what is your story? Why did things end up like they did, in your mind and heart? I know that you tried several times in my younger years to re-establish contact with me and was denied due to my own growing self-consciousness about it. But what happened before that. Why didn't I see you before that bond you describe was broken? Just curious about your side of the story. And please, feel free to be candid. I know that there are always three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth. I think I will be a fairly unbiased listener to your end. My mother and I haven't exactly met eye to eye on things over the years, and so I have always taken her version with a healthy grain of salt. Other questions: Where do you live now? What do you do for work? Is Cynthia your "girlfriend?" What do you do for kicks? Not with Cynthia-I mean in general? :) Other answers: Ben is working on a movie called "Armageddon" with Bruce Willis. It is a bizillion dollar movie about saving the earth from an asteroid. If you are curious about Ben there are a bunch of articles out there now with him in them. He is in this months issue of "W". He'll be on the cover of GQ soon and was recently on the cover of "Time Out New York" which was a good article. Oh yeah, he was on the cover of Boston Magazine last month but the article made him seem like kind of a jerk...which he's not, so I don't recommend that one. If you want to check out his movies I recommend "Chasing Amy," if you haven't already seen it. Cheyenne To: "cheyenne Subject: Re: 1/2 serious, 1/2 not Date: Mon, 27 Oct 1997 02:37:17 EST From: " On the Internet nobody knows if you're a Turing Machine." > Those things you described about the first year and a half of my life, > I wish I remembered them. You are asking too much of yourself. Rare is the person who remembers much from the first three years of life. However, don't despair as you have come equipped with instruments (parents, grandparents, etc) that can do it for you. > Why, if you remember tham with such fondness, did times like that stop? How does one begin this? More than fondness, more than you can imagine - until you have a child of your own. So, it did stop. We stopped living together. > I know the technical history because my mother gave me all the court > documents, transcripts, correspondence etc. But what is your story? > Why did things end up like they did, in your mind and heart? Well, at some point life turned into a hell, a very small prison with no way out except to leave. Other people can seem to turn a wonderful life into horrible days filled with fear, frantic urges to flee, even impulses to murder. It ain't pretty. It must have been something like that for your mother. There were a lot of ugly moments and incidents, many of which I wrote about. Now there is some shame in me for why I did that. One day this would provide some kind of revenge for what she did, I thought. That urge is not completely gone in me, were the truth possible to tell. For me there were many opportunities to act out revenge impulses whenever your mother made the slightest conciliatory gestures. The urge to do these things just overwhelmed me. It seemed like the only thing I could do at the time. One wants to get even for what someone is doing to you. In this case it was her not allowing me to help raise you. > I know that you tried several > times in my younger years to re-establish contact with me and was > denied due to my own growing self-consciousness about it. There's not much to say about this. From my point of view one could simply say that you adopted your mother's position against me. > But wha happened before that. Why didn't I see you before that bond you > describe was broken? Just curious about your side of the story. The above and more went on for several years, including a legal case that i eventually lost. And then shortly after that a bright light went off in my head. For four years before you were born I'd been involved in a court case with the government over the Vietnam War draft. There I was, spending all that time and energy doing something about the war in Vietnam, but had just spent years at war with my own family. Then I had to stop and rethink every thing I was doing. My behavior reminded me of the war slogan about how we had to destroy the village to save it. And that was the end of any strenuous efforts to be part of your life. Over the next several years we met by chance. There was the time at the Cambridge Public Library. You were there to get some books, I assume. You and Adele were sitting on a bench. I stopped and sat opposite the two of you. And just watched. You looked up once or twice as she read from a book. Don't remember the story. Then you were gone. I sat there for a long time. Sort of feeling your shadow, heart pounding, rapid breathing, like, yet again, I'd lost something forever. There was no way to tell when those moments would happen. Everyone told me that, eventually, you would want to have some contact with me. That explanation never helped. Five years turned into ten, then fifteen, then twenty. Then two years ago when your first letter arrived. Well, that was a heart attack--finally! Now where these tracks were going has gotten lost... Let me go back up and read down again to see what my point was. I kept my contact with you to a minimum because to continue the war in the old way shamed me. And who could say if contact would have improved things for you at home. My mother and others kept me informed about what they knew. It was a kind of conspiracy to keep me informed but being careful not to disturb any of the possible, existing relationships with you. So that's how it went for all those years. > And please, feel free to be candid. I know that there are always three > sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth. I think I will be a > fairly unbiased listener to your end. My mother and I haven't exactly > met eye to eye on things over the years, and so I have always taken > her version with a healthy grain of salt. Careful with the salt: you may have my sensitivity. > Other questions: Where do you live now? 213 Box mailing address. > What do you do for work? I work part-time for Documentary Educational Resources: http://der.org/docued a nonprofit documentary film production and distribution company, where, ostensibly, yours truly is resident computer and webmaster guru, new staff and intern trainer, and dog walker. Otherwise you can find me on the web as Editor & Publisher of the ART DEADLINES LIST: http://rtuh.com/adl a monthly periodical listing opportunities of all kinds for artists in all kinds of art. And then there's some life's work: finding a cure for HIV infection with my friend Don. No joke. I believe a cure exists but the current cultural/social environment blocks its use. And then what might be called a Grand Unification Theory of understanding how humans came to be at the point where they are at via "evolution". Did you read my genes essay? > Is Cynthia your "girlfriend?" You could say that Cynthia is my "girlfriend". Our relationship was 14 years old on October 1. We have done a lot of interesting things together during these years--and we have pictures to prove it. Coincidentally, from time to time over those 14 years, I've been a surrogate father for Erika who was born about two years before you (And you may be interested to know that I've often described my daughter as having been born 3 YEARS AFTER HUMANS LANDED ON THE MOON!). Many of our adventures have been written about and appear on the web. Of course, real life is even more complicated, sometimes, as I've not yet said anything about Nancy. Buts that's another story. > What do you do for kicks? Not with Cynthia-I mean in general? :) You most certainly did not inheirit smilies from me. As to kicks, fall is great leaf hunting time. My digitaleaves are online at http://rtuh.com/adl/dl Tomato plants are growing upstairs thanks to full spectrum neon lights and attic heat. Should the weather turn bad there, we can probably ship you some. You will likely catch me reading something when we meet. That dang dog takes up a lot of time and pictures. If you've ever wondered what I look like then take a look at my Portrait Project: http://rtuh.com/adl/pp > Other answers: Ben is working on a movie called "Armageddon" with > Bruce Willis. It is a bizillion dollar movie about saving the earth > from an asteroid. Funny you should mention asteroids. In 1972, the year you were born, and around the same month, a battleship sized asteroid went through the Earth's upper atmosphere over Jackson Hole, Wyoming. A tourist caught it on 8mm. PBS/Nova made a program about these objects. Perhaps Ben would find that of interest. I hope there is no goofy asteroid science in that film--with all that money they can afford hard science. Can I get a script to review it? I'll sign a non-disclosure statement. I have always been a big fan of capturing asteroids and using them as the infrastructure for spaceships. There's actually a group of people on the Internet who discuss this topic. > If you are curious about Ben Well, yes I am curious about Ben. The movies and all that are interesting, but what REALLY interests me is the answer to the question: Are you and Ben an item? > there are a bunch of > articles out there now with him in them. He is in this months issue of > "W". He'll be on the cover of GQ soon and was recently on the cover > of "Time Out New York" which was a good article. Oh yeah, he was on > the cover of Boston Magazine last month but the article made him seem > like kind of a jerk... Well, if he's anything like the tall, handsome, polite young man I met for just a moment some years ago, then he couldn't possibly be a jerk. > which he's not, so I don't recommend that one. > If you want to check out his movies I recommend "Chasing Amy," if you > haven't already seen it. I found this very impressive filmography on the Internet Movie DataBase: http://us.imdb.com I'd thought you and he were about the same age, but he must be a year or two older? If I've not satisfied your longing for long writing, or haven't been candid enough, you let me know. > Cheyenne Richard To: "cheyenne Subject: Emailing Cheyenne Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 14:00:38 EST From: "On the Internet nobody knows if you're a Turing Machine." We watched MALL RATS on video last night. Earlier, while I waited outside with Cassady, Cynthia went in to get CHASING AMY. A moment later she came back to say it wouldn't be out in video till December. Ok, I said, lets get MALL RATS. So she goes back, and, after a much longer time, comes back with the video. It seems the clerks were interested in why someone like her, someone with her "demographics", would be interested in those films. So she explained some of the story. So that's what we saw. Cynthia fidgetted during most of it. She likes more refined films. That is, films without all those gross physical references, but with the sex and love story parts. It seemed to me that someone took a garbage can full of cultural references from the last decade and dumped it into this film. This is not to say I'm equating the film with being garbage. It is more a case of not blurring the facts of a real life. My mother and I had a discussion about this a few days ago. It seems your cousin Erin ended a relationship not too long ago and started another. Later the former boyfriend threatened to kill her, the new boyfriend, and himself. My mother wondered what was becoming of young people today. She often forgets the past. Finally she agreed that things are much more out in the open today. And this film certainly reflected some of the less-than-refined aspects of every day life. But the impossibly irrational love story was kept completely intact--just like in the old days. During the night I woke up a number of times to find myself dreaming about watching, maybe even being in, some ob Ben's other movies. Now isn't that an odd thing? I can't really remember which of those two it was. Was I watching? Was I in it? What part did I play if the latter? In my excitement over getting your email I've forgotten to do something rather important. Normally I tell people what's up, let them read my email and responses, and eventually put all my correspondence on my web site diary. But I've not explicitly asked you about this, so here's the questions/possibilities: 1) don't let anyone read my email or your answers 2) it is okay for people to read my email and your answers 3) you may forward my email and your answers to friends 4) you may add our email correspondence to your web site diary In 2-4 your email address will not be included. In addition, some of the readers have decided they want to send you responses to what they have read. Would you like to see what they have written? In each case I will forward their writing to you and include their email address so you can write to them if you want. They will not know your email address unless you write back. Ron, one of my oldest friends, and a classmate from MIT, is one of those, as is Cynthia, and Julie (a DER staff member who is about your age). Another thing about MALL RATS: everyone talked so fast at times that I could barely understand what they were saying. Everyone but Ben (of the younger actors/actresses, anyway). He still appears to be tall, dark, and handsome--but not so polite (in the movie). To: "rgardner" Date: Tue, 04 Nov 1997 23:58:36 -0700 From: "cheyenne Subject: various Hello, Sorry for the delay. I was so offended by your review of "MALLRATS" that I couldn't bare to write back-just kidding. I have just been busy. You wrote so much in the last letters that I'm not sure where to begin... I was a little confused by your decription of our parting. It was sort of vague, but I just re-read it and it makes a little more sense. My only recollection of my mother's point of view was, I think, a letter she had writted to her lawywer saying something about you two not getting along and then you not speaking to her for a month. She gave an ultimatum to you-"speak to me or leave"-and you left. Perhaps it's not my business what exactly happened but I'm curious to hear more details about actual events. When you said "things became hell" what things? Again, if it's none of my business, just let me know. As for other stuff...Yes, Ben and I are an "item." We've been so on and of for more than 12 years. This time though, I think we are both in it for the long haul. I'll keep you updated about that. As for his age, he is actually a couple months younger that me. He is out of town right now, shooting in Houston and Miami. He'll be back Friday after about three weeks away. I miss him very much. So, what book would you be reading if I met you today? I'm actually in a very intense reading faze in my life. I just finished, "A Lesson Before Dying" by Ernest Gaines and started "Sophie's Choice" by William Styron. This will be about myu tenth book in the last month or so. I can't think of much else to report...I'm taking my GRE's in a little over a week and have found everypossible way to avoid preparing. Oh-yeah, in your last letter or so you asked about my feelings on sharing these letters with other folks. That's fine, as long as my address and last name is not printed on your web site. That may sound paranoid, but depending on Ben's future...you never know. Always better to be careful about that. Did I tell you that I have dogs too? My old dog from fourth grade is staying with me right now while my mother is on a cross-country trip. And, I have another dog-a stray- that I found in LA about 3 years ago. I used to have two LA strays, "Norm" and "Foundog" but Norm was killed by a car a little over a year ago. I just had her name tatooed on my leg (I have four tatoos now). So now I have Foundog and Ruby. That's all. Cheyenne To: "cheyenne Subject: further on... Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 04:08:45 EST From: " On the Internet nobody knows if you're a Turing Machine." > To: "rgardner" > Date: Tue, 04 Nov 1997 23:58:36 -0700 > From: "cheyenne > Subject: various > > Hello, Sorry for the delay. I was so offended by your review > of"MALLRATS" that I couldn't bare to write back-just kidding. I have > just been busy. You wrote so much in the last letters that I'm not > sure where to begin... We have since watched School Ties. A much better movie. > I was a little confused by your description of our parting. It was > sort of vague, but I just re-read it and it makes a little more sense. > My only recollection of my mother's point of view was, I think, a > letter she had writted to her lawywer saying something about you two > not getting along and then you not speaking to her for a month. She > gave an ultimatum to you-"speak to me or leave"-and you left. Perhaps > it's not my business what exactly happened but I'm curious to hear > more details about actual events. When you said "things became hell" > what things? Again, if it's none of my business, just let me know. Actually, it is your business, because it was your life. Actual events: one August evening in 1973, around 8pm, your mother fetched a windup alarm clock, wound it, set it, and put it on a counter in our apartment. She then gave me a list of demands and told me I'd have a week to think about them. One week later, alarm clock still in place, and what appeared to be one week later, to the exact minute, as best as I recollect, she asked me if I'd thought about her list. Yes, I replied, adding that I'd given them the consideration i thought they were due, which was none at all. And then she said: I'm going to get even with you. Things calmed down and got better, for a short while. Originally she said she was going to move out. Later she changed her mind and asked me to leave. That was a bit odd since one of the demands was that we find a new place to live. The two of you ended up staying there for a couple of years. But then life is full of apparent contradictions. So I moved out, willingly, because it would be much harder for her since she was going to school and had to spend a lot of time studying and working on projects. Speaking of those projects, did you ever see the film we made about you taking swimming lessons as a 6-month old? I was in the pool with you, lots of other babies, and all their MOMS! Adele did the camera. But I digress... That's the details from my point of view of the very end of things. I wrote about events of those days and may get around to adding them to my online diary. There are much more detailed notes about your growing up and what happened on specific days. There are many significant developments on specific days for every baby during the first year or so. These things happen on different days for different babies, and some may happen considerably later, and some not at all--seemingly. I don't know exactly how to explain the "hell" thing. Maybe you have never experienced it. If you have had an on and off thing with Ben for 12 years then perhaps you might have driven by it at high speed and missed it. If your itemness ended and then began, one might ask why. Did you end it? Did he? Was it because one of you found another person? Both of you (which means the hell part could have been skipped completely--lucky you!)? And the end can be much worse when children are involved. We me for the first time at 25. You were born when we were 27. You must know somebody who has gone through a very bad ending. Maybe you knew both people. Well, the end didn't end the hell part of it. For years I had regrets and remorse about that very precise and specific ending, always thinking what if I'd only done... this or that. More time has led me to think otherwise. Pardon me while I take a few moments for a boxing match with Cassady... and now she's gone and retrieved her toy so I'm going to have to throw it several times... At the time of the alarm clock incident, your mother was, I think, under considerable pressure from her family to "change things". For example, your grandparents heard rumors that you were starving, so one weekend they drove up from New York with a car full of food. Your grandfather, as a young man, had done a number of very radical things and was considering something even more radical. But pressure from his family led him to give up those dreams in favor of making money and supporting his family. Following his dream wouldn't have led to starvation or death, however, but a professional career instead of business. Something like that probably happened with Adele. She wasn't able to resist those pressures and it got transformed into pressure on me, for one thing. But then, at that time, I was really not someone to push on. It was no problem to resist that kind of pressure from my family. And I went along thinking she would have no more trouble resisting. She was, at one time, one of the most radical people I'd known, and still sits near the top of that list. I don't mean she's that way today--I don't know, but the her from that time is near the top of the list. Certainly it was a mistake, on my part, to ignore that. John Updike wrote a book about 10 years ago, "S", that would tell you a lot about Adele from that time and later. > As for other stuff...Yes, Ben and I are an "item." We've been so on > and of for more than 12 years. This time though, I think we are both > in it for the long haul. I'll keep you updated about that. As for > his age, he is actually a couple months younger that me. I'm a couple of months younger than Adele. On a web page I read that Ben grew up in Cambridge, near Central Square. Maybe he even lived on Norfolk Street. Now wouldn't that be a hoot? > He is out of > town right now, shooting in Houston and Miami. He'll be back Friday > after about three weeks away. I miss him very much. What does "the long haul" mean to you and him? Why were there on and off times? > So, what book would you be reading if I met you today? I'm actually > in a very intense reading faze in my life. I just finished, "A Lesson > Before Dying" by Ernest Gaines and started "Sophie's Choice" by > William Styron. This will be about myu tenth book in the last month > or so. NATURALIST by Edward O Wilson, and trying to read TOWARD THE END OF TIME by John Updike. Its currently in Washington with Cynthia. A week or so ago it was in New York, also with Cynthia, so I'm not making a lot of progress with it. ENVISIONING INFORMATION by Edward R Tufte (although one doesn't normally "read" his books, one sort of strolls through them from time to time). I was going to re-read Heinlein's book that was made into the movie STARSHIP TROOPERS. Summary: Leave It To Beaver meets The Third Reich, plus lots of giant bugs. However, you would most likely find me reading a computer screen and lots of online writing about Internet issues and culture, email and chat about AIDS, evolution, art and all things technological and scientific. Too much to read and not enough time. > I can't think of much else to report...I'm taking my< GRE's in a little > over a week and have found everypossible way to avoid preparing. How did you do, and what are you preparing to study? > Oh-yeah, in your last letter or so you asked about my feelings on > sharing these letters with other folks. That's fine, as long as my > address and last name is not printed on your web site. That may sound > paranoid, but depending on Ben's future...you never know. Always > better to be careful about that. In this kind of situation paranoid is the appropriate feeling. Speaking of sharing letters, one of my old pals from MIT, Ron, has written a letter he wanted me to pass on to you. its about me over the last 30 years. It was so embarrassing that I'm not sending it to you. It will however, be on the web where you will have to go out of your way to read it. Speaking of such letters, Cynthia wrote one to my father. You'll have to find it on the web. Hopefully, none of the other people I know will jump on this bandwagon. > Did I tell you that I have dogs too? My old dog from fourth grade is > staying with me right now while my mother is on a cross-country trip. > And, I have another dog-a stray- that I found in LA about 3 years ago. > I used to have two LA strays, "Norm" and "Foundog" but Norm was killed > by a car a little over a year ago. I just had her name tatooed on my > leg (I have four tatoos now). So now I have Foundog and Ruby. Do you know what happened to Sammi? Hey, take it easy with the tatoos. I'm squeamish about things like that. > That's all. There's more... We had our first snowstorm about a week ago. When do your get the first one where you are? One-inch headline on the front page of the Globe a week ago: Chasing Louise Ben has become a cultural icon. Cover of last Sunday's New York Times Magazine. Most of the young people we know are familiar with him and his movies. Sandeep was telling me he's seen as someone who has come up in the business extremely fast and in an unusual way--although he didn't exactly explain what he meant by saying that. Sandeep is from India and a successful and well-known documentary film maker. Cynthia is in Washington DC for a week for the annual American Anthropology Association meeting and to show four of DER's films. Two weeks ago she was at the annual Margaret Mead Film Festival in NYC at the Museum of Natural History. Three of our films were shown there. In fact, they sold out a week before the festival. Each of the films was then scheduled for an additional showing and could have been done a third time. Especially interesting is INCIDENTS OF TRAVEL IN CHICHEN ITZA, which shows how new religions are created. You are welcome to request one or more of our films if you want. Let me know and I'll send along a standard VHS tape. Cynthia and I would like to have a picture of you, and the dogs, and Ben, if available. Oh, and the thing about my father, he called me a couple of weeks ago to say he would be sending me some money (mutual fund stock, actually), $5000. Perhaps you heard my grandmother died last March. She left her estate to her four children. They each got one fourth. My father says he's leaving his money to his two children, and the children of my sister Anne, who died about 10 years ago. That money would be just the beginning, he said, asking me if I had a will to pass my assets on to my children--which would be you. No, I don't have a will, but then I've got nothing to leave to anyone. Until that call I was expecting to retire on Social Security. That's what can come of being a fanatic do-gooder and supporter of hopeless causes. Oh well, next lifetime... Should I leave you some money in a will? I told him your side of the family probably has more money and you wouldn't be needing it. Do you? Should I? Yeah, that should do it. > Cheyenne Richard Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 15:39:59 -0500 From: PETERS To: rgardner@MIT.EDU Subject: RE: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" the other. It forwards to here but not viceversa. ---------- From: rgardner To: PETERSR Date: Friday, November 21, 1997 2:43PM From: rgardner@ATHENA.MIT.EDU Should I send the Cheyenne notes to this address or the other? To: r.cheyenne Subject: recently Date: Sun, 30 Nov 1997 02:57:11 EST From: " On the Internet nobody knows if you're a Turing Machine." Saturday afternoon we went to the local video store to rent "Chasing Amy". Barely 5pm and all their copies were out! So we rented "Men In Black". Cynthia was dubious, but it ended up being laugh material. Last Saturday, the 22nd, I think, my dad called me. We had a long talk about my work at DER. He said the monies in the mail. It arrived Friday. I mentioned the president of DER, John Marshall. That prompted him to say that we are related to John Marshall, Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, 1801-1835. My pal Ron (of embarrassing letter fame) is tracking down all his children and grandchildren to determine the connection. I'll keep you informed. We had two Thanksgivings. One on Thursday at Laurie's house. She's the international gourmet cook who is currently working on editing a film of cooking in Indonesia/Jakarta. It will also be somewhat political as the native cook works for a wealthy family as a servant. Well, what an unimagineable taste treat that was. Turkey fixed and seasoned like I've never had it before. Pomegranates and blue cheese for the salad. Laurie asked me to shell the pomegranates--something I've not done since my days as a kid in Cody. There are pictures. They will be along before too long. Roasted potato--both regular and sweet, again, fixed in a way never before seen by this tummy. Lots more--including a chocolate cake to die for, by Jackie. She and hubby have a nine-month old. I referred to them as the parents of the Unituplet. That got a bit of a contemporary laugh. A very nice sweet, but a tad too-hot mango dip for too-small chips. Needed bigger, thicker chips. Laurie's mom, sister and her family showed. Karyl Klopp, designer of DER's latest catalog, also. As did Sandeep--with yet another of his seemingly endless supply of attractive young women. Oh, Mark, Laurie's main squeeze, was already there. and a couple of other people whose names I forget. We turned down numerous rides in order to walk home. My explanation being that my fat posterior needed the exercise. We cheated, took the Red Line from Harvard Square and got off at Davis for a pleasant late-night walk down the bike path. And another walk, for me, outside with the doggie of the family. Or did Cynthia take her out that night? Friday was an old fashioned Thanksgiving here on Cedar Street. We invited Henry and Jackie, two long-time friends, a couple who are also artists. Henry's son is an F18 pilot for... our side, I think. Henry does not have a computer, but his father does. So the grandfather and grandson email each other, but the father is out of the loop. That's ok because he does these wonderful ceramic things that could be other things. Like landscape paintings or pieces of natural rock. Speaking of fathers and computers, my dad is thinking of getting a computer and connecting to the Internet. I could pass your email address along, when he does that, if you'd like. But I digress. Edwin brought a loaf of bread he made himself. He's one of my oldest friends in the area. 1968 at Project MAC at MIT. We both worked there around the same time. I showed him a picture of you taken in May of 1990 (when my mother and Laen visited you). He says he doesn't remember you looking like that at all. Of course, you were less than 2 years old the various times he saw you. Edwin is one of several people who knows intimately of my adventures over the last 30 years. Also Adriana, who works for me, and her roommate Ida. The former is from Italy four years ago. The latter is American but via Italy and Croatia. Adriana has also worked as a volunteer for DER. We had one of them free-range, no preservative, no anti- biotics turkeys from Sage's in Harvard Square. One of the best I've ever had. Everything was terrific--except that Cynthia forgot the stuffing! And the parsley. And Jackie's pumpkin pie for dessert. First time she's ever done anything like that. When things like that happen to either of us we chalk it up to early-onset Ahlzheimers. Speaking of that, Henry and Jackie had never seen the photos taken, by me, of a dinner at their place last January. So this would be an opportunity to show them. But I looked in my last January photo book and... couldn't find them. Could it be it was January of 1996? So I look there and... coulnd't find them. Horrors, it was January of 1995 when we were there. I remember as a child how time seemed like it would never pass. Tomorrow and the end of being a child would never come. This creeping time was a horrible thing for me. Now time runs much too fast. I thought it was about a year ago and it was actually almost three years ago. Early-onset Ahlzheimers. Erika will be visiting us for several weeks around the end of December and beginning of January. You are also welcome to visit. To: "rgardner" Date: Sun, 30 Nov 1997 01:29:30 -0700 From: "cheyenne Subject: various Dear Dad(?), Thanks for the updates. I just got back from Seattle after a lovely Thanksgiving with my dearest friend from Colby. It was a pretty good Thanksgiving. Actually I'm realizing it was a wonderful Thanksgiving as I returned to a far less enjoyable heartbreak. So, all that stuff I said about "being in it for the long haul" with Ben was apparently just my own private reality. Oh well. Needless to say, I'll be moving as soon as possible to my own place with my darling Foundog (Ruby will be going back to Massachusetts). I lived alone once before in Tacoma, Washington and really enjoyed having my own space. I'll keep you updated about the heartbreak in small pieces as, well...it breaks my heart. My mother was here visiting me for a few days. It was...better than these past few days anyway. Ben took a bunch of pictures of me today so I'll send one along to you. What is your address again? Also, you said something about your father giving you money and would I be interested in having some. Well, my mothers half of the family does have a lot of money but they don't give any to me. I think I'll get some when my mother dies, but the answer is yes, I could use some money if you are so inclined to hand it out to who, as of know, is practically a stranger. I wasn't sure if you were talking about now or for the future. Either is lovely. Given my present circumstance it is not neccessary but would help in terms of getting re-settled. As for visiting/meeting you, I will be home this Christmas and am thinking of making the leap. I remember, however, that I was going to meet you in High School when your mom was visiting and was struck with an unanticipated paralyzing panic attack. So I'll see how I feel. Send me your phone number though, just in case. Cheyenne To: r.c Subject: misc & broken hearts Date: Tue, 02 Dec 1997 23:26:32 EST From: " On the Internet nobody knows if you're a Turing Machine." > Dear Dad(?), Only your mother, our gene testing lab and the future know for sure. > Thanks for the updates. I just got back from Seattle > after a lovely Thanksgiving with my dearest friend from Colby. It was Tell me who and why. Didn't you live in Seattle, perhaps working for Microsoft? > a pretty good Thanksgiving. Actually I'm realizing it was a wonderful > Thanksgiving as I returned to a far less enjoyable heartbreak. So, > all that stuff I said about "being in it for the long haul" with Ben Perhaps I'm a bit out of the loop here, but let's see if I've got some of the situation correct: you've been a couple on and off for 12 years. You and he have been living together in la-la land for... days, weeks, or months. So he goes off to do a big time movie and comes back to say he 1) "needs his space", 2) announces a bimbo from the movie set will be moving in, 3) is now gay, 4) you were thinking marriage--he was thinking girlfriend. Any of the above, or something I've left out? You do know that Hollywood is the sex fishing capitol of the world, don't you? That doesn't help a broken heart though. As a parent I could offer you some advice--but won't--unless you explicitely ask. Instead, here are a couple of stories: Story 1: a young woman, about your age, was very much in love with a man a couple of months ago. He's the one, she told me. Then he left the country for a short time. She was all excited the day he was due to return. She'd planned a number of very nice things for their reunion. Do you think he might be feeling smothered by all this attention, I asked her. She was a bit distressed at my suggesting such a thing and told me she didn't want to talk about it any more. And that was that. Until a few days later when I found her crying and in grief. He called me a monster, she explained between sobs. Of course, if one is being smothered then what can you call the smotherer but a monster. Well, to make this story a little less painful, things have gotten better. She's given up the smothering part and most of the he's-the-one thing. Although it could rear its ugly head at any moment. She describes things as going much better now that there's some distance between them and it has become more of a role she's playing in order to enjoy her life. I wouldn't give you exactly the same advice--should you ask. Story 2: a long time ago, in a galaxy far way... I met a woman I liked very much. But there was a complication. It seems there were three other men in her life and she didn't want to give up any of them. Steve, Jay, and Mark, were, I think, their names, with me being the fourth. Well, that was a bit new for me, but then so was nearly ANY kind of relationship with a woman. And I did like her a lot. She was also a person who introduced me to many new things and ideas that I had no knowledge of. Yes, she was out there! And certainly in the area of her own personal freedom--which, in spite of my naivte about many things, had enormous appeal to me. So how could I do anything but support her decision? Time passes and we find ourselves living together and parents. And still she wanted those other three relationships. From time to time she would go off to visit them overnight or a weekend. And still I couldn't say or do anything against that because it really was a matter of her personal freedom. One day I asked her why she picked me. Because of your earning potential, she replied. Well, that impressed me at the time. I know better now. That was a BIG mistake on her part. It turns out that personal freedom, and not feeling enslaved or crushed by someone is far more important to me. She changed her mind about what she wanted--not for herself, I suspect, but what she wanted from me--even though it was hypocritical. But then who isn't? In the long run, as you say, it didn't work out. I think one of the main reasons she really decided on me was for the chance I gave her at a kind of personal experience and freedom in her life that she wanted, along with other things like a good father for her children. It turns out you know that woman, for a long time, if not very well. I have some advice about this kind of situation--but only if you ask. > was apparently just my own private reality. Oh well. Needless to > say, I'll be moving as soon as possible to my own place with my > darling Foundog (Ruby will be going back to Massachusetts). Was Norm a black dog that sort of looked like a German Shepard? I have a Polaroid of Laen, my mom, you and this dog. > I lived > alone once before in Tacoma, Washington and really enjoyed having my > own space. I'll keep you updated about the heartbreak in small pieces > as, well...it breaks my heart. Did you and Ben have explicit promises about living together, fidelity, money, children, etc? > My mother was here visiting me for a few days. It was...better > than these past few days anyway. Ben took a bunch of pictures of > me today so I'll send one along to you. What is your address again? Richard > Also, you said something about your father giving you money and > would I be interested in having some. Well, my mothers half of the > family does have a lot of money but they don't give any to me. I > think I'll get some when my mother dies, but the answer is yes, I > could use some money if you are so inclined to hand it out to who, as > of know, is practically a stranger. I wasn't sure if you were talking > about now or for the future. Either is lovely. Given my present > circumstance it is not neccessary but would help in terms of getting > re-settled. The real money will come after the dead thing. My thinking now is that I'll not be needing it then--so why not you? Are you really working for Ben, paycheck and all? Or are you the live-in girlfriend with all expenses paid? If the former then you are probably making more money than Cynthia and I combined. But since I consider it an obligation long unfulfilled, some money could show up in the mail--if I had an address. > As for visiting/meeting you, I will be home this > Christmas and am thinking of making the leap. We will be having a Christmas party at DER around the 19th. Will you be back then? You could visit in the morning or early afternoon before I get there. If you aren't frightened by some of the dudes there, then I shouldn't be nearly half as scary. > I remember, however, > that I was going to meet you in High School when your mom was visiting > and was struck with an unanticipated paralyzing panic attack. Laen told me a story about that. She apparently had talked with you about meeting me. She gave me a quote from your mother: You can do anything you want Cheyenne, as long as you don't hurt me. At some point near the end of our time together, she said to me: You think Cheyenne is going to love you more than me, don't you. While I don't remember having that thought before her making that claim, it seemed possible that you might, in that moment. She had an enormous fear of that because I was far more patient with you, and spent much more time with you than she did. This is not a criticism of the time factor, but just the way things were for us--which was also the kind of father I wanted to be. You may remember my saying that her family did not see things quite that way and wanted us to live in a more conventional way. That ain't gonna happen, I thought, even then. But I also thought she and I were on the same side. Oh well. Her fear of you dividing your allegiance with me is still an enormous fear. Your feeling of panic can't really have anything to do with me. Ben, as I recollect, did not flee in terror, the night he helped my mother with her bags. He wasn't even shaking, as far as I could tell. And my mother didn't show the slightest anxiety or fear once I'd closed the door behind her. She lived to tell about her visit with you and your mom. This probably has more to do with your fear of how your mother might treat you. She's had some two plus decades to influence your deepest feelings about me. Really, I'm just a guy, just somebody who misses his daughter. Just somebody who would like to be, once again, a part of her life, your life. That's all I am. > So I'll see how I feel. Send me your phone number though, just in > case. Home: 617-628- Work: 800-569- > Cheyenne Richard To: "rgardner "Melissa "Jesse "Jennifer "Jenna "Howard "Amber Date: Mon, 08 Dec 1997 15:26:20 -0700 From: "cheyenne Subject: Cheyenne has left the building I have moved! I have a new address and telephone number but no computer for a while. Here is my info: 6238 Los Angeles CA 213 939-